sleeping like a baby!

I've posted before about my daughter coming with a non-sleep coating, and expressed a fervent desire that my newborn would be the opposite. Well it's come true! He slept pretty well at night after the first few days of adrenaline filled wakefulness, we were both full of endorphins after the speedy birth - he never did the big crash out most newborns do to get over the birth process.But generally he'd only wake2-3 times in a night The only problem was his colic, that stopped him from settling easily after a feed.

I started following Tracy Hogg's routine from about 6 weeks. The first two days were a little hard - it was difficult stretching his feeds from maybe an hour and a half apart to three hours, and I had to keep checking the timetable over and over again! But as soon as he was getting regular sleeps, he started sleeping more and more. Since his last osteopathy visit he's been sleeping huge naps, I often have to wake him for feeds! And he gets tired even before bedtime. But best of all, I followed her bedtime procedure - bath, change, cuddle, into bed and lullaby, then pat/shh to sleep. After about two nights getting used to this (I'd been putting him in bed asleep, feeding to sleep) he just grabbed onto it, and was asleep with his thumb in his mouth as soon as his head hit the pillow. I can - unbelievably - put him down and walk away! I don't even want to be out of the room that fast, and stay with him longer than he's interested in!

Would my daughter have done the same if I'd tried it early enough? I don't think so. She had a completely different relationship with sleep. I think it would have helped though.

But it's just amazing. To be downstairs at 8pm, knowing I have a whole evening (to feck about online, ahem) to myself is magic. And then I feed him before 11, before I go asleep, he generally goes to about 3am, sometimes later, and on a good night doesn't wake til 6.30/7. Amazing!

So I'm going out for the night tomorrow, he'll take a bottle no problem, and I know I don't have to worry about him. Magic!

Aunt Flo

Goddammit to crap, I seem to have my period again. Six weeks of lochia, three weeks of just about back to normal, and now I think it's starting again - that or I have a mysterious return of lochia, I hope that's not a bad thing.

With my daughter I had a heavy post birth whateveritis but then I didn't get my period for about 9 months! And I didn't miss it! Is this really all the break I get this time?

Interestingly, as this baby was 12oz lighter, I really didn't seem to have any heavy blood loss, just red or pink tinged stuff. But would that affect how soon my period returns?

No-one tells you this stuff...

It would make sense though, I've had a fierce bad temper the last few days, tolerance levels low. And yesterday I lost my keys - in the house - and they have yet to show up, and we've looked everywhere. Well, obviously everywhere except where they are. If anyone could appeal to St Anthony on my behalf that would be great, I have to go to town tomorrow to the passport office, to get the kids' passports - a holiday is in the offing after all! But I'm not looking forward to doing it by public transport with a buggy and a four year old, no siree. A reminder of how the carless live...

A better blog than mine

http://metrodad.typepad.com/index/

Wow. very cool, funny, moving. Check him out, he has the sweetest daughter too.

I have such a good photo, I might break my self-imposed no photos rule. Though I'm not sure it's fair to put your child on the Internet. His photos of his insanely cute daughter certainly make me enjoy his blog more, make me more sympathetic to it - but what would/will she think?

I wonder if my husband would read it? I don't think he gets to talk to enough fathers. When I met with my ante-natal friends, sadly the fathers always babysat, so they never got to meet. I don't think he gets much parenting support, especially hanging around with twenty-two year olds.

Maternity provision

Did anyone see the front of the Irish Times Weekend Review today? All about how substandard the Maternity services are in our Celtic Tiger modern Ireland. Apparently women are being roomed in Jurys and have to walk across Parnell Square to give birth at the moment in the Rotunda.

Recently a friend was given an induction with gel, and left to labour on her own while her husband was sent home - after hours in agony, she had to order a midwife to come and help her breathe through the crushing continuous contractions as she couldn't manage on her own but they had no space to move her up to the ward where they give pain relief.

Or I read a woman's story of having to remove her own catheter as no-one came for two hours while she desperately needed to pee, and no-one stopped to ask if she was ok as she staggered to the loo with blood running down her legs, carrying her baby.

A woman gave birth in the lift and in a wheel-chair this week, due to lack of beds.

The worst thing is that women, and men, in Ireland, accept this and go back for more. A tiny fraction of us have taken to the streets in outrage, to demand more. While the hospitals complacently insist that their clients are happy. Shame on us for being happy with what they're providing, for doing ourselves and our babies out of a clam, comfortable, safe start. Anyone who thinks it's safe to have a baby in hospital in the current climate is deluded. A woman who had had a section and was heavily medicated rolled on her baby recently and the baby died. She shouldn't have been sleeping with the baby but she was unable to reach the cot, and there was no-one to help her. This is an atrocity, that she should be put through this nightmare. In our wealthy country with out politicians driving round in mercs, the understaffing and under-resourcing of our maternity hospitals is endangering women and babies' health and lives.

At the end of the article, they paid lip service to the success and pleasantness of the Community Midwives schemes, which are providing women with dedicated care in their homes. these days, if you leave hospital early, perhaps hours after the birth of your baby, they visit you for ten days and give you their undivided attention - far more than you would get in the hospital itself. Peace, privacy, a comfortable bed, someone to hold your baby for you if necessary, breastfeeding support.

Sadly the article didn't address independent midwives, and the fact that despite the crisis in maternity care, the INO is revoking their insurance. I still don't for the life of me understand, in a situation where there is so little space in hospital that they're sending people home early who don't want to go and women are having their babies in the lift, that they won't endorse home birth and be glad of it - it costs the government less than a hospital birth and frees up beds for those who need to be in hospital.

La Leche meeting

Hmm. I went to my local La Leche meeting yesterday, hoping for some more tips on getting the baby to latch properly, he's got lazy or something and I'm getting a little sore.

My only other experience with La Leche has been negative: when my first baby was a couple days old and I was really having problems, I rang the local support number and got none - a disgruntled husband answered the phone, and then the woman who talked to me was NO HELP AT ALL - suggested in a miffed voice that I could perhaps go to the meeting in a couple days but then recognised that it might be a bit early (2 days after birth) and then said 'I suppose I could come out to you' in a dismal voice but then said nothing more about it and I rang off deeply discouraged.

The women at yesterday's meeting were nice but I just felt depressed by their philosophy. They're so pro attachment parenting it makes me want to decree that there shall be bottle feeding for all!

Now you know I'm seriously pro breastfeeding, and do believe in sacrificing quite a lot for the sake of it. Yes, mise an lactivist. But Jesus. These women are espousing the delights of feeding the baby to sleep indefinitely and when asked if it was possible to express and get a break, they insisted that you won't, and shouldn't want 'a break' from your baby, and that it's possible to have a romantic dinner for three instead of two. Ah. There's no need for that. Then they gave the pregnant woman who was asking questions no help at all about basic things like positioning.

I believe in co-sleeping, sling wearing, not leaving your baby to cry, I wouldn't want to leave my newborn overnight, nor even my six month old. But! Jesus, being bonded to your child doesn't mean not being able to go out to dinner or seeing a film, and I don't think any pregnant woman should expect to have to feel that.

With my first child I did it all the La Leche way - feed her to sleep, have no routine, baby led parenting. Which I'm still doing to an extent, except that with out any trouble, I have my little boy lying down, sucking his thumb and being cheerfully asleep in minutes. Compare that to the literal hours each night of trying to feed my daughter to sleep, over and over, only to have her wake an hour later for another comfort feed because sh had no idea how to go asleep by herself. And the LL women are trying to sell that as positive and precious? Eh, no.

The problem I have is that they treat older babies as newborns and don't recognise their abilities. And it's all dumped on the parents.

I'm finding Tracy Hogg great, though I'm not being too rigid or forcing everything she suggests (I don't think her idea of beast feeding is v correct or realistic, and timing feeds is not a good idea!). However, I think it works, I don't think a baby being put to bed at regular times when they're tired is mean to them. It's fine if you have the baby sleep in a sling whenever it drops off, and stays up til your bedtime if it's happy doing that. But I went to one LL type woman's house, she was hosting a Home Birth meeting, and her 6 month old was still up at 8 when we got there, and played with his brothers and father until he got hungry. She tried to feed him to sleep during the course of the meeting, which only worked briefly and the poor mite sat there with red, exhausted eyes, yawning and going glazed, obviously exhausted. He was still up at ten when we left - what would the harm have been in popping that baby into bed and getting on with the grown up stuff? I don' t think that was in his interest at all - having no bedtime was certainly about her refusal to do it rather than her interest in his needs.

The problem with baby led is that babies need to be taught certain things. My friend, when espousing the benefits of controlled crying, suggested that learning to sleep is a gift we can give our kids - I agree, except I don't believe in doing it the controlled crying way. And doing it when they're a month old is a hell of a lot easier than waiting til they're bigger.

I know babies are all different - and I think first babies are fundamentally different too. But having watched my son learn to go asleep at bedtime in 2 days, I am a convert! And brilliant as the La Leche articles and knowledge are, I think the Baby Whisperer does more to help parents than their local LL leagues do. I think they need to modify their position a bit better, and recognise that some baby led behaviour just leads to bad habits. In the real world women need to work, go out, have a life. It's no good raising a baby that no-one but you can look after. And to be honest, what I heard the women saying was a little more off putting than inspirational yesterday. Romantic dinner for three? Come on!

Stranger Danger?

If I had three wishes, one of them would be to remove the violent impulse from the human make-up. I know that this might result in an instant and fatal overpopulation of the planet, but I hate the need to be suspicious and on guard.

I want to be able to leave my children in the car, and know that the adults who are around will be protective toward them, rather than a threat. The thought of predatory people makes me so sad, as well as scared.

I am fundamentally innocent, naive, indeed. I don't expect the worst of people, despite the amount of time I spend playing out horrible morbid fantasies in my head. I don't really believe that anyone would abduct my children, murder me, burgle my house, steal my car. Although I'm selfish in a lazy way, I am basically altruistic in my motivation. I would always stop to help a crying child, pick up a lost wallet, offer a lift in the rain.

I find it hard to follow the rules of not touching students in school - no compassionate hand on the shoulder if they're upset - or not being alone in a room with an individual student in order to protect myself from allegation s of harrassment.

I don't want to accept that the world is as bad as it really is. And I don't mean the child porn rings or child slavery that on far from our doorstep, I mean man's basic inhumanity to man that you see in the street everyday.

I'm trying to force myself to be less trusting, more aware, or something's going to get me one of these days.

I just hope it's that someone's going to steal my battered car when I've left it unlocked again rather than anything nastier.

*There was a good picture of a man with a little dog and a little girl in a park but it was too depressing. I love this photo - and it reminds me of the time Charlie Haughey came to Greystones and my mother hid in a shop, in fear that he'd try to kiss my little brother. And as he walked down the street, some old lady ran up and started beating him with her handbag and telling him to get out of Greystones, nobody wanted his kind there! Fabulous.

death of a holiday

So I'd thought we might still get away in October. But it seems that a first mini college tour is being organised, for 'some time in October' and my husband will not try to influence when. We are waiting for his manager to tell him. I asked him to email him and try to get dates, as by the time they come through it will be too late to book anything all over again.

So he said he had.

But he hasn't, I checked his sent box.

I hate being lied to, like some clueless dupe.

I hate that my husband will put this first, with such ease, over his family and their needs. Yes, it's exciting and magnificent, but it doesn't have to supercede everything else in his life. Except for him it does.

The problem is, that even if it all works out, and he makes money and is happy and fulfilled again, I'm not sure there'll be anything left.

my poor girl

I feel so sad and bad for my daughter.

I know it's not easy having a sibling - that' s why I wanted to wait til she was four so at least she wouldn't be deposed from her throne of babydom by a newer, cuter baby.

But my pregnancy was so hard on us all - her mother exhausted and irritable, her father absent and depressed. She started having huge, screaming tantrums, being incredibly difficult and unpleasant and shouting 'I hate you' all the time and I rose to the occasion by smacking her quite often. She stopped wanting to go to Montessori and got more upset about it than she ever had in the first week. She had problems with her friends, although that could just have been the end of the honeymoon period.

And through all this, for some stupid reason, I kept promising things would be better when the baby was actually here. And they are, in a way, except he cries all the time because of the colic, and after his fiasco of a birth I'm quite often on the brink of tears and he likes to be held, more often than not. So she's being told to wait til the baby's finished, no I'm feeding the baby, later, later, no, be quiet the baby's asleep. But she was so sweet when he was born, when she came to see him for the first time and took her Dad's hand to come over, it just melted my heart. And in the hospital and home with her Dad and Granny, she was brilliant, and for the next few days. But I'm irritable for no good reason half the time. And sometimes I don't admit it's not her fault. And he cries all the time. And she fell back in to her awful behaviour and is so unhappy, messing up with her friends, rejecting them. She had her first tantrum in school last week, red faced screaming, fists clenched, screaming 'I hate you' at her teachers. Now it's happened once, the flood gates are probably open.

And her ASS of a father is behaving the way he rejected me for doing when I was pregnant - aggressive, dismissive and disgusted by her half the time. The other night when I told her she couldn't sleep with us (the baby's in the bed) as I was putting him down, she walked out of the room saying 'nobody likes me anymore' and the fucker gave out to her for behaving badly. Tonight she threw a tantrum because she hurt herself, and he said 'I don't want any more of this shit'. Then she screamed at me and I sent her out very calmly - went up to her a few minutes later and got an apology - amazingly she agreed to apologise to her father which she never does, but asked me if I'd come with her. I hate that she's scared to approach him - I wonder why she is - she hovered in the doorway of the room where he'd stomped off and closed the door, and said 'sorry' - and he glanced at her angrily and said 'Okay', brusquely, still sulking. He just blames it al lon her, and won't take responsibility for her behaviour. This is reacting behaviour, not personality. She's just mirroring the shit she's been thrown and he refuses to see that.

Earlier I was playing with her, and talking about the baby, and I asked her if she'd rather he weren't here - after a brief hesitation she said 'yes', in a small, serious little voice, as if she knew the enormity of what she was saying but had to say it anyway.

I know all children have to go through a transition stage, that it's not so much fun having a newborn and she'll enjoy it soon, and hopefully be back to herself. I just wish we were handling the whole thing, and her, better. I hate that she has to suffer because of our shitty parenting. I'm so sorry.