I've raised a rude child

My husband has pointed out I can change the title to We've instead of I've, which is magnanimous of him!

He had a gig on the Noggin Inn 'festival' gig rig today, which we've been talking up for a couple weeks, she was going to go with him and wear her band Tshirt. The singer's girlfriend was bringing her little boy, his mum brought down colouring books for her to play with while her Dad was on stage. But she threw a strop before going over to them, just as he had to go on, then sat in a puddle of grumpiness and rejected every one's offers of friendship and comfort - wouldn't play with the other little boy, refused the toy he'd brought her so they could play together, wouldn't say thank you when someone bought her an ice pop. My husband said by the time he came off stage half an hour later, everyone was looking bewildered and she was still glowering. He's totally pissed off and embarrassed.

Similarly, yesterday, her friend was going to bring her to Jungle Mania, a favourite haunt, after school. But she wanted to come home - the friend is three and very brightly social and apparently my sound sensitive daughter can't take her loud voice (which in fairness, I think is a genuine complaint), however, she also told her this twice in a nasty, angry way, and wouldn't go out with her, leaving the poor wee one sobbing miserably. Sheesh! And when I tell her she's going to lose her friends she just says she wants to, and is never going to talk to said friend again.

I don't know what the answer is - telling her not to be rude, telling her it's not ok, none of it makes any impact. I do believe that there's a sort of conundrum with kids this age - they're old enough to grasp the emotional power they have over, say, their granny (she is SO mean to her Granny) but not emotionally sophisticated to really grasp the idea of hurting someone elses feelings. She's not always anti-social. I wonder if the problem is that we have such a small family, she's spent too much time as the centre of attention and hasn't really experienced many big events, with lots of extended family or other people, crowds of cousins, for example, or even friends coming to the house. I think me and her Dad have been a bit isolated and it's meant she hasn't formed the usual social abilities?

So what's the solution? Should we not take her out anywhere again til she's got over this phase? Or will that just disable her further? Would it be better to aim for total social immersion, and bring her to loads of things til she's forced out the other side of her social awkwardness? I'm also thinking we need a zero tolerance policy, where if she won't say thank you she doesn't get what's being offered to her, no matter how embarrassing it is for us and the giver.