Thursday, August 28, 2014

I can tell it's the first day of my period because I bought a chocolate bar in the supermarket and ate it in the car outside. I don't actually do that much at all, to tell the truth. Unless I'm hormonal. 

Today was first day back at school - all I asked of Olivia was to go in (before 10), sign in and say hello. She did all that cheerfully and chatted for ten minutes before getting too hot and needing to leave. Then she had a rant on the way out, but still... great form today, result. No kicking and screaming. No trauma. No bruised dad. Softly softly. 

My son is short haired again, and loving his teacher and his school, despite the new long day. Best boy. 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

in the car today

Olivia: Bodhi wanted to call his pig Pedo Pig. As in Torpedo Pig. But Axl told him not to. He didn't explain why, he just said it meant something bad. Bodhi said he'd wanted it to be Pig's wrestler name. 

Saturday, August 23, 2014

I woke up cold in the night last night! Gah. Time to go buy more hot water bottles. I'm not ready for summer to be over. Sadface.

Loads of people I know are having babies. My cousin is on number two. My friend who has three and had her second stillbirth last year is due in 11 days and I'm so happy for her. My other friend who has four in a tiny house with a rescue dog and whose husband wanted two is now having a surprise number 5. I have extremely mixed feelings about this. My friend who has a profoundly autistic, paraplegic, epileptic son and two more kids is having another baby too, I recently found out. I'm a little stunned - her husband has chronic back problems and can't work, and the govt keep cutting their carers' allowance and threatening their son's special school. I can't afford my two. I don't know how they're all doing it. I hope everyone is going to be alright.

All these babies ... can you believe it makes me feel left out? I laugh at myself. I don't do pregnancy well. My hormones aren't balanced enough to deal with pregnancy and what comes after. I have no energy for parenting and sleeplessness, and what about the threat of more autism? I alienate my children and husband when pregnant, seemingly irreparably. I have no partner, no money, my parenting skills are not what I assumed they would be... no, my baby having days are long over. I wish I could make more peace with that fact.

But that's not what I was going to write about. I've just been side tracked by all sorts of weepy things on facebook...ack, I won't even share.

I dreamed and dreamed this morning, and woke up at 8.30. Part of my dream marathon included two glowing brown pheasants with blue heads walking into a group of post party goers. One began to glow iridescent blue, the colour and light spreading all over its body and wings. It was incredible. Then the other grew, and became a glowing lilac, like Chinese silk, with tiny flower patterns woven into it. It was so beautiful. It floated into the air and hovered around, ghost like and ethereal, surrounded by light and hardly real, before pausing, then floating through the wall. We were all stunned, scared, amazed.

I looked up pheasants in my weird, old fashioned dream dictionary I have not much faith in, and it said dreams of pheasants are about good fellowship among your friends. Meh, that's not very exciting. I'd prefer it meant something more fabulous about me, thank you. Still... I wish I had a video of that part of the dream. Quite amazing.

Many people have their own views on what a “Pheasant” means in a dream.  This symbol can mean anything from balance, protection and creativity.  Though some say it could mean that you have a very indecisive nature

Definition: Seeing a pheasant in your dream, symbolizes motherhood and nurturance. (me: !!)

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Monday, August 11, 2014

I loved Mary's picture of herself aflame (ok, she's standing in front of the burning weed pile, perspective perspective, but hey). My pen name's avatar is of a woman wearing flames. I feel periodical guilt about it, as it's far too sexy to represent anything to do with me. A more accurate representation would be of a woman coated in sludge.

I don't know if that's a real thought or an automatic negative one. If I was in a better mood I'd find it funny, even if it's not constructive. Sigh. I'll stop poking the bear by contemplating whether or not there's a market for unnatractive sludge-smut and go  take an anti-depressant, make sushi and walk the dog. 

Saturday, August 9, 2014


Despite the coffee, the dog's warm weight against my ankle is lulling me towards sleepy feelings. I have to put the chicken in the oven, and clear some shelves and move them and restack them and so on. Things... to ... do... zzzz

Aldi men

Sadly, Aldi is not yet selling cut-price men, but I was there a while ago and there was this guy checking out the work stuff - he was wearing combats and a tight black t shirt, he had a shaved head and tattoos, red hair, freckles, serious, craggy face. Serious muscles, broad chest and shoulderzzzz... I may or may not have stalked him round the shop a little.

Today at the check out an adorable dad and his adorable toddler. The teeny toddler was blond and crying and squirming round as the dad was loading the conveyer belt. The little guy was very blond and sweet-cheeked and not happy to be there . The dad had thick blond hair in one of those little top-knot ponytails, and a giant bushy red beard, and such a nice face. He didn't look too delighted to be there either - I imagine the cute blond mum was at home getting a lie-in, possibly after a bad night.

I debated standing behind them in line, but erred on the side of efficiency and queued behind the shorter line at the other til. I got out of the shop before he got to the cahs register, so that was the right decision, but I would really have liked to say to the baby, 'Oh, you are sooo cute and sooo grumpy,' and to say to that dad, 'and you're cute and tired'. But that would sound like flirting. I'm neither old enough or attractive enough to really make anyone's day with that sort of thing, I fear.

Lookin' forward to my fifties, though. 

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Catherine mentioned feeling helpless in regards to the Gaza conflict.

Here's a couple suggestions, and remember, the Irish Red Cross and Trocaire as well as others are providing food and medical aid if you want to donate.

Monday, August 4, 2014


The fireworks in Bray tonight were beautiful. Really great, towards the end. I sat and watched, they're one of my favourite things, and the mini-extravaganza towards the end made me smile with delight and good feeling.

ButI also thought about people in Gaza and the bombs whistling and falling and exploding, all the time. I thought about those children's loss and terror and trauma and how they will never enjoy fireworks again and I felt so grateful that I was born where and when I was, and that I live in a quiet seaside town where war does not threaten and where lights and noises in the sky are just for entertainment, oo and aah and flowery crackling stars and golden rain.

It's really just not fair

Saturday, August 2, 2014


it's my grandmother's birthday today. Or it would be, if she were still alive. I suppose we just change the grammar, not the vocabulary. It would have been her ninety-seventh birthday today.

I haven't heard from my father since the funeral. I've emailed him, but he didn't respond. I texted him this morning, asking if he was home, if he'd like us to come out and have some cake - I didn't mention the birthday, he loathes sentimentalism like marking anniversaries. Hours later, I get a text back saying 'Croquet has started.'

So that would be a no.

It's pathetic that I find this upsetting. Why do I keep expecting or hoping for some semblance of family when there isn't any? I should have just got in touch with the cousins... perhaps organised something.

I have no good way to end this post.