Sunday, September 21, 2014

I've nothing to write anymore. I used to be so full of the need to say stuff, whatever shite it may have been.

Now I've just ... got nothing. My mind's as empty as my blog stats. Sweetness from Bodhi this morning though. I love that kid.

Bodhi, leaving his breakfast fry to go back to his game with his friend from next door, muttering: I'm done... I pretty much scavenged that...' as he goes out the door.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

aw bollocks

I forgot vital ingredients. But it is now 11.30. I'm not going to the shop, even though it's open for another ins, because I don't want to tempt fate. I don't want to leave the kids alone and get abducted by aliens, or come back to find the house has exploded or something.

It's a bitch though, because I'm making cheesecake and it would be way better if it had an extra day to chill. Oh well. So be it. So be it. No use crying over delayed citrus fruit.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Why, hello, pre-menstrual anxiety! Here you are, and only 8 days (well, more like 10, seeing as you've been here a while) before my period. Lovely! 

Sunday, September 14, 2014


Some scumbag arsonist set my car on fire last night. It didn't happen here, but in the pub car park at Axl's work and the car fire spread to the cars parked on either side of mine. Whimper* He tried to set the back doors of the pub on fire too, but that didn't work, thankfully.

I don't know that anything good can come of this, I think it's just going to end up costing me. It was towed and assessed, so I'll owe them for that. I'm not sure my insurance will cover it, or cover it without affecting my ncb to too great an extent. I don't know. We'll see. Life is fun, eh? Apparently several cars in the area have been set on fire in the last couple weeks, he's a serial arsonist. Prick!

Also, while I was at the beach, another underwire snapped on me. It's a disconcerting feeling, with a disconcerting message. I need some new bras. Yet I have no cash (I have some cash, but it's dwindling, and I need to buy a car with it). I also need a couple other things. Urg. Oh lottery, please pick me...

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Christ, I need a nice, long hug, from a nice, big man so very fucking badly.

*lies down on kitchen floor and falls into a desperate sleep*

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

la de da de dum

Last night I walked the dog on the beach as I'd left it til just-about-dark, and I walked north, taking surreptitious glances back to see if the moon that was about to rise would be super.

First there was a glimmer in the scarf of cloud, that shone palely onto the darkening sea, and then it grew brighter and stronger til the round, shining moon rose out of its shawl and shone nakedly on the water, and on me and the dog. He ignored its presence but I smiled in its golden light and did as my friend suggested, and told it things I wanted to let go. Apparently if you've been feeling weepy recently, it's the pull of this supermoon drawing the grief out of you, taking it away with it, letting you let go. What a nice idea. I certainly felt a kind of giggly joy last night.

And today - today, I have a Free Afternoon. Axl has just left to take the kids to the cinema, where they will see Guardians of the Galaxy for a second time. I think I don't need to, and all that mother-dying-of-cancer stuff at the start is too traumatic to sit through (oops, I wrote live through) again, so I will stay home. I will drink this coffee. I will sit in my own sitting room and watch some adult tv! I will peacefully do some work. Then I might lie down. We'll see, we'll see, the next couple hours are my oyster. Mmhm.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

I wanted this so badly - I had a vision of my life being like this - warmth, fun, conversation, friends, standing dates...

Friday night meatballs

It didn't happen that way though. Could it now? I'm not sure I know enough people. Axl wouldn't be involved or here. The idea is a bit exhausting, convincing as her suggestions are.

I like it, though. Maybe in another lifetime. 

Thursday, August 28, 2014

I can tell it's the first day of my period because I bought a chocolate bar in the supermarket and ate it in the car outside. I don't actually do that much at all, to tell the truth. Unless I'm hormonal. 

Today was first day back at school - all I asked of Olivia was to go in (before 10), sign in and say hello. She did all that cheerfully and chatted for ten minutes before getting too hot and needing to leave. Then she had a rant on the way out, but still... great form today, result. No kicking and screaming. No trauma. No bruised dad. Softly softly. 

My son is short haired again, and loving his teacher and his school, despite the new long day. Best boy. 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

in the car today

Olivia: Bodhi wanted to call his pig Pedo Pig. As in Torpedo Pig. But Axl told him not to. He didn't explain why, he just said it meant something bad. Bodhi said he'd wanted it to be Pig's wrestler name. 

Saturday, August 23, 2014

I woke up cold in the night last night! Gah. Time to go buy more hot water bottles. I'm not ready for summer to be over. Sadface.

Loads of people I know are having babies. My cousin is on number two. My friend who has three and had her second stillbirth last year is due in 11 days and I'm so happy for her. My other friend who has four in a tiny house with a rescue dog and whose husband wanted two is now having a surprise number 5. I have extremely mixed feelings about this. My friend who has a profoundly autistic, paraplegic, epileptic son and two more kids is having another baby too, I recently found out. I'm a little stunned - her husband has chronic back problems and can't work, and the govt keep cutting their carers' allowance and threatening their son's special school. I can't afford my two. I don't know how they're all doing it. I hope everyone is going to be alright.

All these babies ... can you believe it makes me feel left out? I laugh at myself. I don't do pregnancy well. My hormones aren't balanced enough to deal with pregnancy and what comes after. I have no energy for parenting and sleeplessness, and what about the threat of more autism? I alienate my children and husband when pregnant, seemingly irreparably. I have no partner, no money, my parenting skills are not what I assumed they would be... no, my baby having days are long over. I wish I could make more peace with that fact.

But that's not what I was going to write about. I've just been side tracked by all sorts of weepy things on facebook...ack, I won't even share.

I dreamed and dreamed this morning, and woke up at 8.30. Part of my dream marathon included two glowing brown pheasants with blue heads walking into a group of post party goers. One began to glow iridescent blue, the colour and light spreading all over its body and wings. It was incredible. Then the other grew, and became a glowing lilac, like Chinese silk, with tiny flower patterns woven into it. It was so beautiful. It floated into the air and hovered around, ghost like and ethereal, surrounded by light and hardly real, before pausing, then floating through the wall. We were all stunned, scared, amazed.

I looked up pheasants in my weird, old fashioned dream dictionary I have not much faith in, and it said dreams of pheasants are about good fellowship among your friends. Meh, that's not very exciting. I'd prefer it meant something more fabulous about me, thank you. Still... I wish I had a video of that part of the dream. Quite amazing.

Many people have their own views on what a “Pheasant” means in a dream.  This symbol can mean anything from balance, protection and creativity.  Though some say it could mean that you have a very indecisive nature

Definition: Seeing a pheasant in your dream, symbolizes motherhood and nurturance. (me: !!)