nature art

I was struggling up the hill with Christmas shopping (did I really buy an Advent calender for €7.99 and will Russell Brand's autobiography be any good?) When I saw, in the dimming light, the imprint of a leaf that had somehow stained itself onto a patch of fairly pristine concrete. It was beautiful, shaped like fairy wings, and a delicate purple-brown in colour.

I loved the contrast of impermanence and permanence, our ugly, unbiodegradable concrete somehow imprinted by this fleeting idea of an autumn leaf. Like natural graffiti. Nature's art on a concrete canvass.

It reminds me of those pressed fairies!

And then I thought, I can use my camera phone! Unfortunately I took it sideways, so you'll have to crane your necks...

Sigh more complaining

I don't even have the energy to write this. It's the same old story, my husband's been working all week so he's hardy been here - I've stated correcting again and haven't been able to get anything done because I've no support - I had to cancel my grind on friday as he was working late and my mother in law was off to babysit her other grandchild. So I'm €35 down and I've messed this poor girl around AGAIN!

This weekend he's off, so I'm catching up on the correcting, which is due back in Tuesday - but he went out with the band at night, and got up with the baby this morning (I was finally able to collapse back to sleep, joy, joy) but this wrecked him for the day so he's irritable and exhausted, falling asleep while talking to his mother (though she didn't seem to notice) - and he's gone out again with friends who're in Bray tonight, for a 'couple pints', despite feeling too tired to go.

I think I'm the only person he says no to.

He never wants to go out with me... if I think about it too hard, it's just so humiliating.

For years now, I've accepted the whole, get more friends and interests, live an independent life self-help book type argument. Having a small baby knocks that on the head a bit though. I'm so tired (from being with small children all day from breastfeeding, from waking a lot at night) that I don't hugely want to go out at night, or it seems like a huge task. I've been struggling to get to Pilates as my MIL is grudging about it and arrives at the last minute - so I'm having to change to a night time class again, which is SO hard to drag myself to. I'd like to be going to my knitting group but the last few times I've intended to he was home to late to organise myself. As for knitting at home, I only get to do it after bedtime, by which time I'm so tired I make continual mistakes.And I'm in this catch 22 of only having my MIL as a babysitter and not being able afford a real one. So I have to be home by midnight if I go out. And if I'm going out on my own, she's so suspicious!

And at the end of the day, most other people I know are out or in with their husbands. Is it really wrong to want to spend quality time with the person you married? I'd love to do more than sit on seperate sofas staring at the television. We can still have conversations, though when the children are up they're interrupted, and after they're in bed and the tv is on, his attention is elsewhere or hes too tired. But we can still talk, just not about ourselves.

I strongly feel that it's the lack of adult quality time that has us so estranged and makes daily life uncomfortable.But what can I do to change that if he feels the need for distance from me? It's a double bind I don't understand how to manage.

I was talking to a new friend about this in a roundabout conversation that include a Rollercoaster post of hers. In America, her friends and family socialise with their husbands, none of this lads out for a pint coming home at our in the morning while their wives sit home alone thing. There is moderation and enjoyment as a couple.

My husband is in this round of work, gigs, going out, staying up late, drinking sometimes and then sleeping til one the next day while I am with the children again, after another day of being with them all day. I asked him if he'd like to watch a video, something we haven't done in some time, and now that I think about it, he nodded exhaustedly rather than enthusiastically! But as soon as the call came from his friend, that was out the window. It difficult to be placed last -especially with this spoken or unspoken threat that it's me driving him away.

This post was meant to be a more general meditation on the state of Irish men's socialising, as I think I'm not the only one living in this sort of state - I know there's far far worse, but there is also far better. Why do I feel guilty when I have to ask him to look after the kids or do something domestic? I wanted him to do the Recycling as he can do it sans baby and I just couldn't bring myself to ask. He just goes to the toilet when he needs to, while I feel like I have to ask it as a favour. He is rarely alone with the two of them for any length of time, and he doesn't go shopping, or recycling with them in tow.

I'm well aware that he is going out to work everyday and I'm not and I'm grateful for that. But he can work, and play, and drink and sleep in on the back of my being available to the children constantly. When he goes out, I stay home, when I go out he 'babysits' his own children.

Why is it so different for women?

the desperate challenge of daily life

MEH.

I went to the Debenhams sale today. I've been meaning to buy a new duvet forever - my father kindlly bought us one years ago, a medium tog one, saying he'd get us the winter part so we could clip them together. Fabliss, we thought. But he never did, and I bought another, lighter one, which sadly was not quite the same size - and neither had any clips anyway, so winters have been lumpy for several years now. You know the feeling of being half covered, unequal (literally, not metaphorically).

So my fellow blogger Midget Wrangler transitioned up from the world of hollowfibre (BLEH!) to duck feather, but I have noticed, having taken the new duvet out of its packaging, that it's duck feather alone, not feather and down as my old one was. So I'm afeard that rather than soft and fluffy, its going to be heavy and spiky. So I think I may have traded down (heh heh, literally this time, down for feather).

But why, readers, why did I not assimilate this info from the box? Why do I wait til it's Too Late and then agonise about things? I do all these things that make my life harder - it's like I see the world through a misty clous of absent mindedness and indescision. I answer my own questions and then ask my husband anyway, having forgotten I've already had the conversation once. I leave things behind everywhere I go. It's like I life my life as if wearing someone else's glasses. It's exhausting. And on top of the hassles, I have the continuous frustration of being annoyed with myself, at having done the wrong thing. This may seem like an inconsequential exampe, but they add up. I wonder would some concentration Australian Bush Essence help, or the icky omega oils, seeing as I'm not going to be getting brain enhancing sleep for some time.

the darlingest boy

Nobody is interested when people rave about their children, people look on with disinterested condescension. I know, I've done it myself. I've no problem listening to it, but it's hard to connect with if it's not your child, I know.

But my son is 3 1/2 months old now, it's the beginning of the best age. He started laughing, a delighted chuckle - my daughter rushed up to me the other day from where she'd been minding him, and announced 'Momma! He just did his first human laugh - a real human laugh!' So I'm thrilled to see she's starting to accept him as a human.

He's rolled over on the sofa, and is working on it on the floor, and can do serious push-ups. And he's started to be amused by peek-a-boo. But best of all, he loves to launch himself off the top of our knees, and give these great baby, open mouthed kisses. I'm astounded by the speed with which babies learn social behaviour - he can't do the 'mwa' yet, and doesn't know what to do if you just bring him to your face, but the idea is there, and he loves it. If you could see his little mouth held open to give a kiss, and the softness of it pressed against your cheek, he's such a cure.

I remember my MIL's niece asking my (then) baby daughter for a kiss, and then being so surprised and delighted when she actually gave her one. It makes me so sad to see how people underestimate and undervalue babies' emotional intelligence. And I feel so sorry for those of us who have children who do not possess that innate ability to observe and copy and implicitly understand social behaviour.

rejuvination or menopause?

My husband launched his fantastic album last night with an extremely successful gig - highlights: the drummer emerged from the loo before the gig with the best haircut ever, he sports a side-swept New Wave sort of thing - I said 'Henno, your hair is perfect!' and he replied 'I've just had it cut, I'm all itchy!' I wish I'd taken a photo, best hair ever.

Meeting their manager, over from England, and we clasped each other's hand in an identical handshake that said it all about how we both feel about the band and his involvement in it. Nice.

Surprising my husband onstage with a cake, 36 candles, while the adoring fans sang happy birthday!

Being out with my friend Cassie, and lots of people I know and like.

A sip of Guinness to wash down chocolate cake, mmm, chocolate and Guinness....

All in all they had nearly 300 people there, sold even more cds, and had a ball. Result.

But while I was rushing to get ready, I got so hot - I've always been an incredibly hot person - people used to hold my hands in winter, walking up the street - and the whole getting ready, makeup etc thing gets me flustered. But last night it just didn't go away, my cheeks were burning all night long. I mentioned this to a friend of my husband's who also is an old flame, I met them at the same time, and to put it bluntly, he's the last person I've slept with before going out with my husband, albeit 14 years ago (this is in no way an issue). For a while he was a bit of a prick about it, I'm not sure why, and could always be relied upon to say something sarky and defensive - for example, at my wedding, when he said how nice it was, I jokingly replied that all this could have been his, and rather than join in the laugh he had to say 'Ah, Jo, that was never going to happen' all seriously, and pretty gratuitously if you ask me! But last night he referred affectionately to my radiator-like properties, using my maiden name, and it occurred to me on the way home that that was quite nice, a little sign that he actually remembers my then-existence, perhaps fondly.

But then it struck me with horror, that rather than having some sort of flash back to my youth (I haven't got hot like that in ages, and recently I've been re-experiencing some allergy type stuff I had as a teen - an itchy nose, blotchy face after the shower) I might be having pre-menopausal symptoms! A hot flush, rather than a flash back! Dear God!

If anyone would be interested in the Juice's album, 'Chasing the Comfort' it will soon be available online, there'll be a link on www.myspace.com/thejuiciestmusic
It's loved by young and old, honestly, it's hard to stop playing it. (A&J, there'll be one on your parcel, of course)

I now should go make a lasagna from scratch (I impressed a sweet Italian woman in the deli today, by making my own pasta!) but I may be just too exhausted, I had a late night and I've made a cake and a soup and gone shopping and had a walk, and nursed a baby and I'm so tired. Perhaps I'll just do the sauce - we'll see.

catching up

My old keyboard died, then my new mouse died - only just back on - but still can't get in to gmail :(

In the last few days I've:

left the keys in the front door overnight while my defenceless children and myself slept - the husand's been away.

failed to strap the baby's car seat in TWICE in one day - I only noticed when I went round a corner and it hit me in the arm (!)

Today I went to Dundrum and didn't noticeI'd passed it til I hit the Firhouse exit (not literally, thank god. Then when I was leaving I lost the car for forty minutes - I convinced myself it wasn't on the level it was on... I have special needs at the moment, I need a minder.

so I'd better go to bed and try to grow some new braincells - tomorrow night, hear about The Juice's cd launch, and complaints about shoes.