Sigh more complaining

I don't even have the energy to write this. It's the same old story, my husband's been working all week so he's hardy been here - I've stated correcting again and haven't been able to get anything done because I've no support - I had to cancel my grind on friday as he was working late and my mother in law was off to babysit her other grandchild. So I'm €35 down and I've messed this poor girl around AGAIN!

This weekend he's off, so I'm catching up on the correcting, which is due back in Tuesday - but he went out with the band at night, and got up with the baby this morning (I was finally able to collapse back to sleep, joy, joy) but this wrecked him for the day so he's irritable and exhausted, falling asleep while talking to his mother (though she didn't seem to notice) - and he's gone out again with friends who're in Bray tonight, for a 'couple pints', despite feeling too tired to go.

I think I'm the only person he says no to.

He never wants to go out with me... if I think about it too hard, it's just so humiliating.

For years now, I've accepted the whole, get more friends and interests, live an independent life self-help book type argument. Having a small baby knocks that on the head a bit though. I'm so tired (from being with small children all day from breastfeeding, from waking a lot at night) that I don't hugely want to go out at night, or it seems like a huge task. I've been struggling to get to Pilates as my MIL is grudging about it and arrives at the last minute - so I'm having to change to a night time class again, which is SO hard to drag myself to. I'd like to be going to my knitting group but the last few times I've intended to he was home to late to organise myself. As for knitting at home, I only get to do it after bedtime, by which time I'm so tired I make continual mistakes.And I'm in this catch 22 of only having my MIL as a babysitter and not being able afford a real one. So I have to be home by midnight if I go out. And if I'm going out on my own, she's so suspicious!

And at the end of the day, most other people I know are out or in with their husbands. Is it really wrong to want to spend quality time with the person you married? I'd love to do more than sit on seperate sofas staring at the television. We can still have conversations, though when the children are up they're interrupted, and after they're in bed and the tv is on, his attention is elsewhere or hes too tired. But we can still talk, just not about ourselves.

I strongly feel that it's the lack of adult quality time that has us so estranged and makes daily life uncomfortable.But what can I do to change that if he feels the need for distance from me? It's a double bind I don't understand how to manage.

I was talking to a new friend about this in a roundabout conversation that include a Rollercoaster post of hers. In America, her friends and family socialise with their husbands, none of this lads out for a pint coming home at our in the morning while their wives sit home alone thing. There is moderation and enjoyment as a couple.

My husband is in this round of work, gigs, going out, staying up late, drinking sometimes and then sleeping til one the next day while I am with the children again, after another day of being with them all day. I asked him if he'd like to watch a video, something we haven't done in some time, and now that I think about it, he nodded exhaustedly rather than enthusiastically! But as soon as the call came from his friend, that was out the window. It difficult to be placed last -especially with this spoken or unspoken threat that it's me driving him away.

This post was meant to be a more general meditation on the state of Irish men's socialising, as I think I'm not the only one living in this sort of state - I know there's far far worse, but there is also far better. Why do I feel guilty when I have to ask him to look after the kids or do something domestic? I wanted him to do the Recycling as he can do it sans baby and I just couldn't bring myself to ask. He just goes to the toilet when he needs to, while I feel like I have to ask it as a favour. He is rarely alone with the two of them for any length of time, and he doesn't go shopping, or recycling with them in tow.

I'm well aware that he is going out to work everyday and I'm not and I'm grateful for that. But he can work, and play, and drink and sleep in on the back of my being available to the children constantly. When he goes out, I stay home, when I go out he 'babysits' his own children.

Why is it so different for women?