tisk

I annoy myself, possibly even more than I annoy other people...

The other day I was emailing back and forth to a friend and said I had to go, citing a list of business that included the slow, boring, not very well paid marking I have to do and housework, both of which had suffered as I had gone to knit night for the first time since the baby was born and was going out to a lovely dinner that night.

My friend is keen to discourage my habit of being negative, and so in response, she wrote 'sounds like you're having a good life at the moment'.

Here's the annoying bit - my knee-jerk reaction was to deny that I'm having a good life, I was almost offended at the idea. Now this is partly that I bridled at the admonishing, somewhat patronising tone of the comment - I was feeling fairly overwhelmed and under effective - the workload plus two kids and a house to look after really isn't coming together and I was stressed. I feel I should be able to express that! But still, how ridiculous, to be fighting against the idea that life is good! What is that? Why would I have trouble embracing that idea?

Well, I still have some answers to that question - the hassle involved in the going out almost makes me want to give up and stay in, to be honest, though both nights out were lovely. My husband just had the horrible experience of being fired, and even before that, money had become increasingly tight. I'm sleep deprived again. But most of all, I hate the work, and trying to do it and mind the kids is just unfeasible.

On the other hand, I don't live in a war zone. There is food and safety. My kids love each other. Up til yesterday, my daughter was being a happy sweet little girl again, though the demon's been rearing its head the last couple days, so I won't write the triumphant Indigo Essence Update I'd been hoping to just yet. Still, I am feeling awed by my daughter's beauty, intelligence and wit, and by the pure sweetness of my little boy. Dote-erama.

I'm not sure how counselling is going - both good and not enough, I suspect. Nothing is really going to be right between us til he stops smoking, and he's brought home enough packs to keep him going for several months, so that hope is out the window for now.


Urg, I must go to bed, too tired to make a closing point.

Life is good. And not as good as it could be. I'm not sure that having someone point it out meaningfully really makes me any happier though. I may find it difficult to sop dwelling on the negative, but I am extremely good at stopping to smell the roses and notice the changes in the sunset at the same time, thank you.

I was going to add something more but got interrupted by my children, consecutively!