Twisting, curling, braniching, long, luxuriant streams of ringlets from her crown to her shoe: a profusion of lustrous, twining heavy swathes of hair, and it the colour of gold.Sigh. I have many compulsions, but one of the worst ones (apart from the unconscious teeth clenching) is the fact that I pull my hair out. Yes, I know it's FUCKING INSANE. Yes, I would rather not do it. And yet, each time the urge to reach up and run my fingers down a strand,tug on it til it pops out, then run it through my teeth (I know, I know) comes, I don't care that I'm making bald patches, pulling out my remaing blond hairs, thinning my hair and uglifying myself. The urge is greater than all that. Once upon a time my hair was my one really good feature, now it's thin, limp, colourless and greasy. It doesn't help that it's still all falling out post-pregnancy. My daughter loves to fiddle and pull at it, a post-breastfeeding habit, and that just drives me mead, because I'm so self conscious about it. Yet do I stop? Nope.
I found a trichotillomania website, with lots of people's stories on it - my heart went out to the parents of a little girl who did it - they'd tried everything, pleading, rewards, spanking (which they felt awful about once they'd read up on the habit, but it's you can imagine their frustration). Another woman shaved her head to try and break the habit, but ended up keeping it shaved for years as it didn't work (I'm glad I read that , as I've been tempted!). The oddest thing was that the people who'd stopped, had no real reason for doing so, it just sort of happened. The time just came.
I've been doing this since I was 19, my second year of college. It started completely randomly, and before I knew it it was a habit.
I don't know that it's time, but I miss my hair. I miss the blondeness I had, though I know it's not coming back. So I'm going to give giving up a go this Lent. Not that I haven't every morning since I started doing it, but maybe this time will be different.
I found a trichotillomania website, with lots of people's stories on it - my heart went out to the parents of a little girl who did it - they'd tried everything, pleading, rewards, spanking (which they felt awful about once they'd read up on the habit, but it's you can imagine their frustration). Another woman shaved her head to try and break the habit, but ended up keeping it shaved for years as it didn't work (I'm glad I read that , as I've been tempted!). The oddest thing was that the people who'd stopped, had no real reason for doing so, it just sort of happened. The time just came.
I've been doing this since I was 19, my second year of college. It started completely randomly, and before I knew it it was a habit.
I don't know that it's time, but I miss my hair. I miss the blondeness I had, though I know it's not coming back. So I'm going to give giving up a go this Lent. Not that I haven't every morning since I started doing it, but maybe this time will be different.
The picture above is one of my great uncle OisÃn Kelly's tea towel designs - I try to use it as my inspiration! Both his daughter and my mother had long hair - and my mother asked him if it was her (it does look like her) and he said yes - but he also said the same to his daughter- it must be both of them :)
4 comments:
awful ida maybe but you could get it chopped and then the impulsion might not be there and you could hope it wouldn't come back! The urge I mean....not the hair
I don't think so - I'm no Sinead O Connor, I'd look like a potato. And if it didn't work for your one... not worth the risk!
Thanks Jo - I am the same - I don't even realise I do it most of the time. thankfully in comparison to the definition and some of the stories I have a mild form. I only pluck from my head - although I do have a fascination with tweezng hairs on other people.
I notice that it gets worse when my mind is preoccupied. It drives my BF mad and he recently pointed out that i do have a slight patchiness especially in the middle of my head. It's just bizarre. I am trying my best to defeat it - it's all about keeping my hands busy - I may have to take up smoking.
Good to know I am not alone.
That must be so hard. I know someone else who has that, and she now always wears a scarf over her head because she has so little hair left.
Do you think it might be a little like nail biting (although more annoying to you of course) or other compulsions? I used to bite my nails and count everything. Like everything.
I hope you can beat this.
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