A little listless. I sit down at the computer after the kids go to bed, and suddenly there I still am, three, four hours later.
The news is horrible tonight, don't watch it. Oh God, David Blaine is going to hang upsidedown for three days. Doesn't that sound like a piss take of him by someone else? 'Hanging upsidedown for three days will push my body beyond the limits of its endurance. All the blood is rushing to my head. My head is pounding. It's awful. I feel so alive. I don't want to die, I want to live. Nobody else wants to live like I do.'
I surf n' surf and it's a little bit like a smoking habit maybe, I suddenly can't remember anything else I had planned to do, or summon any enthusiasm to go do anything else, I am firmly entrenched in my ass groove on the sofa (two pregnancies, and a stationary lifestyle, alright? Me: you know we can just get the springs replaced? Axel: But that would be embarrassing for you). Bloghopping. Flicking back to Gmail to see who's littlegreenlight is on. Do I want to talk to them? Do they want to talk to me? Who said hello first last time? Oo, I'd better not be stalking them.
Tonight Axel is going to get back the job he had for ten years, that had worn him down, and he embarked on a slightly different job, with a pay cut, to get away from it. Two years and three jobs that just haven't been what they promised to be, all featuring unpleasant, unprofessional bosses, and he's back where he started, with nothing but credit card debt to show for his journey. Well, no, that's not true, he's got a lot of experience, he's been in charge of a staff of thirty five, he's learned a lot of new things, he's done one serious interview (but didn't get the job, for better or worse). He's made friends and band fans. He's cheerfully taken less of a salary than he was on before, though he's doing fewer hours. He's looking forward to being back in his shop though. He set it up from scratch, he got it running profitably - I have to admit, I've missed being there too. Olivia played there as a toddler, stood on the counter and pressed the till buttons - it's got good associations.
OK, I confess, I actually wrote this last night - and since the nice talk Axel had with the bar manager, where they agreed a salary, he's since had a phone call going back on the wage agreement, and telling him he's to fire the two part time staff (which would change the agreed working hours), one of whom is his friend. Axel said he could instantly feel all the old stress and frustration rising, and he hasn't even started the job yet. All the reasons he left are still right there. So he's going to pass.
Which makes sense, it was pretty bad before he left. BUT now the fear of poverty that I'd had a momentary respite from is back. Well, more that the momentary relief and comfort is now gone again.
Still, something may change soon one way or another.