I just found a blog I like. It's by a single mother, it's about her cooking, her kids, dating, sex. It's very well written, the photos are beautiful, the recipes are great. I'll read it again, I'll go back and check for new posts, I was about to put it on my blogroll. Well, maybe my other blogroll...
But then, I thought, hmm, maybe not. And I will tell you why. Because it's full of her misery. Not explained in detail, just - she's not happy. Life is hard. It's not what she wants it to be. And the down-dragging weight of her unhappiness and disappointment is energy sapping. It takes, it doesn't give. It's redolent of that unpleasant feeling of being trapped in endless discussions with your unhappy divorced friend, the circular compaints of hardship and misery that you sympathise with and regret, but can't fix. I can't make you better.
A friend's friend has had a bad time - she has a horrible, debilitating, chronic disease, her husband left her, she has two kids that blame her, she's depressed and hopeless about a future relationship. She leans a lot on my friend - we haven't talked alone, me and this woman, but I sat beside her at a school thing the other day, bemoaned the price of dentistry, and within seconds she was telling me about how after she got her first job in 18 years, she gave her first paypacket to her husband to get his teeth done, and he up and left her.
I understand why she needs to repeat the story, I understand her aggrieved indignation - but I could still feel myself backing away from the drag, the weak stuck misery, the cold water bath of it. You know what I mean? My mother was so aware as being seen as the bitter dumpee. No one really wants to know unless you're upbeat and dynamic about it. It's off putting to others to say how you feel if you feel shitty.
It's not fair - and yet, I get it too. I don't know what the answer is. A lot of the time, life is hard, and it doesn't get better, despite your best efforts, there just isn't a way out of the cloud.
Do you know what I'm saying with this post? I'm not comndemning. I've lost friends through being a negative nellie, a moping moaning minnie myself. Just considering my reaction. Everyone's reactions. And alternatives.
7 comments:
You've given me something to think about here. Feeling quite negative myself today and really, why give that to the world?
Ah no. That's not what I mean, exactly. Your negativity isn't the same :)
There's something about a certain kind of dissatisfied, dismal discontent - a victimhood, maybe, that there is just no response to. Because the person has to do it themselves, I suppose.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of ranting venting whinging bitching, that's what blogs are for.
I know exactly the kind of person you mean. And it might be uncharitable, but I avoid such company. There's a big difference, however, between being one of those people and being sad for a while. It's okay to be sad for a while. Talking about it helps you to get over it. Bawling on a friend is therapeutic. You know you'll return the favour when it's needed.
It's funny, but the people I know who have had the hardest lives (parents dying very young, siblings committing suicide, being attacked - really awful things) are strong, positive people. If you talk to them about their traumas, they don't pretend that it's easy - but they don't beg your energy either. I'm sure it took lots of tears and long talks with good friends to get to that place of strength and positivity.
Gosh I'm long winded. All I really want to say is that whatever you're feeling and however you're acting, it's okay.
Oh, and your solstice post kicks all ass.
Thank You! If only sme Apple mogul would read it and think the same and reward me with an iphone.
"It's redolent of that unpleasant feeling of being trapped in endless discussions with your unhappy divorced friend, the circular compaints of hardship and misery that you sympathise with and regret, but can't fix"
it's amazing how one can rarely see oneself as one is. The above is your description of someone elses blog, but I thought it was a description of your own!
Funny. What annoys you in others is often a good mirror to the true you.
Yes. I am aware of this. Hence the post and title and meditation on this issue.
I've been thinking about just that this week. I'm reading a book which says that depression is contagious and I was worried that I was bringing all my friends down by being sad. The friends that remain.
I don't think there's really an answer to this. We do all need someone to listen to our stories as well. And it does help to hear you're not alone.
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