I'm so anxious I feel like my heart is going to burst.
I have a manic need to do everything at once, and at the same time nothing at all.
I am sent a wish, feel hugged, when all day long I've been wrapping my arms around myself and trying to hold the pieces together and thinking, I hold myself, I hold my children, I hold myself, while wishing desperately for someone else's arms around me to absorb and disperse the crushing feeling in my chest and the fucking tears.
And fighting against the need to write a emotional vomit post. All day long, I did.
And now it's 2 am and I don't want to sleep even though tomorrow will be busy. On Sunday at the boot sale I sold one of Olivia's Sesame Street baby toys. For €2 of course. And then stood there wiping tears underneath sunglasses and trying not to push small wellies and sentimental nothings back into the car and drive away.
And in the morning I'm getting up and bringing the dog to be put down. It will be really nice not to have to clean up any more pee, it will. I just don't relish killing him and all the memories of what he represented then. And what he represents now.
I'm scared of what the loneliness is going to do to me. I know it won't be on my mind forever, but I'm scared of dying alone. Or with no one but a frightened daughter who gets it all wrong to hold me through. I'm scared of this lovelessness. This helplessness.
I know I know I know. I know this is embarrassing. It's pathetic. I know it doesn't last forever, this feeling. I know everyone (well, most people) wishes me well. And that there are people who believe in me more than I believe in myself. It's just a bit of a moot point at two in the morning. Or two in the afternoon breaking in to pieces in the kitchen or the supermarket or all down the road. My heart hurts, is all, and I don't have any faith in myself.
