It seems I've just got to the root of the friendshio problems Olivia's been having for the last few months. She's been part of an intense little triangle of people since the first year of school, but the male core of the triangle has altered his allegiences and apparently wants her out - not that he's told her, he's just making her days miserable in the hopes that she'll go. Or something. And she's blaming it on the friend that he's currently got a grá for, but his mother thinks that's a bit of transferrence.
I just tried to talk to her about it, suggesting that things change, and friendships come and go - wiht a view to encouragng the idea of new, alternative relationships again.
'Well, X isn't like that, it will never be like that with him,' she said, her face clouding. 'I don't want to talk about it anymore.'
He's the one person she will admit to loving in her little life. And now he's dumping her.
It's so hard. They're seven. You can't force people to like your child. It's not like adults don't get into this too, god knows. But now I have to try and give her alternatives without making her feel it's her fault he doesn't like her anymore. I wonder if Olivia is blighted with my friendship curse, along with all the rest of the things she's inherited from me?
It's so hard. This job. I have a bad feeling about what's coming next. About trying to equip her with the skills of not needing anyone too much, of lettng it roll off her and finding alternatives. I mean, how am I supposed to be able to teach her that?
15 comments:
well; personally speaking, as I would, and as a well-rounded individual - hey stop laughing over there- see if she likes playing individual sports which will help her with school team sports and therefore with society at large. Toughens you up and helps you figure out who are the good guys. Probably nonsense but my head is very fuzzy today. best of luck; kids always come good in the end.
No, you're right, that and other extra curricular activities - branch out. She really wants to do Aikido, but there doesn't seem to be a class :(
yeah, exactly, how do we (well not me, no kids here) as broken adults teach our children this difficult dance? i think you are doing a fine job, and lots of it is just learning as she goes.
must be so hard to watch.
heartbreaking.
i don't think she's inherited any curse from you Jo. Don't worry.
powerful writing and feelings.
Thanks Bethany :) x
ah bah bah..tell her the truth..that this dude is a silly boy..that most of them are..and that she is a great&lovable girl and soon there will be other interests and friendships,..,.dont let her even think its her fault...
danielle is right. i was going to say the same first time there at the start i.e. just tell her men are pigs and that she's above it all - but then I came out with all the pinko, liberal, commie stuff.
or get her to learn the words from this from jools last night and she can scream it all at the little shit next time she meets him
WELL, WELL. WELL - WHY YOU GIVING ME THE THIRD DEGREE?
heh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhjn5cknFcI
Hey Jo.. Its Nic :) I Know you wouldn't, but Whatever you do don't tell her he is being mean to her and pushing her away because he actually really likes her and thats what boys do, noooooo!!!! dont do it... * He deleted me on facebook, wow! Must text him 10times, and then email him, if no reply drive past his house 9pm ish on a wednesday, ( with the headlight dimmed ) he loves me really.. ah its tough I hope she is ok :( x
Ah no, Nic, I wouldn't dream of suggesting that's what this was...
I talked to his mother this morning - maybe things will be ok, we'll see.
Perhaps there are many layers of perspective and interest at work here, mothers as well as children. It's a cloudy world we live in.
Soldier on.
Also, hi.
Hi right back Ken, thank you. I wandered upon your site the other day... must have been passing through Monmouth? Or Demure Lemur? PRobably Monmouth...
What Danielle said but most of all remember that we cant protect them from life, no matter how hard we try. They have to make their own mistakes and learn from the experience. And we have to learn to let them early on because, otherwise, as teenagers, they just keep on breaking your heart and terrifying the life out of you with their cavalier attitude to their own safety.
As parents, we have to learn to encourage independence and not try to keep them within the safety of our own forcefield x
god, i wish i had any advice... i hope you get through to her that it feels bad now, but it won't stay like that. as you said, friendships come and go, not all of them are meant to last.
i took all these things way too hard when i was a child, and the only advice my mum gave me, the one time i asked, was 'you have to conform a bit more'. as the years went on i did try to conform more, be as normal as possible, whatever that seemed to be at the time, but that didn't help me one bit!
i often wish i could travel into the past and tell myself that it matters most that i'm true to myself, not try and be like the others to get them to like me. be yourself, do the things you love doing, whether they are trendy and cool, or not, and do your best, work hard, even if it doesn't seem to be cool or popular...
have you tried writing down imaginary conversations with your past self, when you were in a similar situation? Or writing a story for Olivia?
I feel for you. It is the hardest part of the job, dealing with their sadness.
I wouldn't know how to teach what you said, because I still haven't quite learned that.
God I hate getting to your posts so late. I think another couple of months and I'll be able to get on faster again.
I'm with Irmhild about being true to yourself.
My mom is a real individual who has just a few very close friends who are all eccentric and love her for who she is. She is a fierce opponent of "fitting in" and conforming unless it is a ploy to keep a job. Wearing a mask 9-5 so you can pay the bills is justified.
Her idea that it was better to be yourself and have people genuinely love you for who you are really rubbed off on me especially since she loved me for who I was and didn't expect or force me to fit any mold.
So yes, show unconditional love, teach/model independence, curiosity, an openness and love for the world, for adventure, SPORTS!!! what a godsend for a girl.
and the best lesson I learned in life was if someone left you, it also meant a door was now opened allowing someone new and better to come in. This held true for me with people and jobs and opportunites. Losing something or someone is so awful, but with the right attitude and buckets of integrity in tow, your mind and life are freed up to recognize and grab the right thing that does come along.
That's a lovely comment, thank you.
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