I cna't seem to unlock my shoulders from round my ears. My neck is seizing up from it, burning muscles, ridiculously tight. Straight necked, shoulders down just seems to feel extraordinarily vulnerable. Must duck and cover, my body seems to think.
I drove Demure Lemur, effortlessly glamorous in her (vintage, inherited, ethically farmed) fur coat (Damn! I didn't make a knicker joke!) to the station in the snow, over deserted white roads past the park and nice houses, snow gently flying towards the windscreen. All was silent, peaceful, still and white. Frozen, blanketed, snow-globe safe. I wish I could hold on to that wonder. I love it so.
No, though. I'm in a place that doesn't quite work - a Christmas dinner at the mother in laws, ironically the first one ever, but I can't get around it this year - I don't want to take on the responsibility of cooking and cleaning and warming the house to a hospitable level, it's too much stress for no return, somehow. I can't get the sprouts soft enough.
So, I have no alternatives.
I wouldn't mind, going to my godparents on Christmas Eve was to be my replacement-family consolation, but I fear the beautiful peaceful snow may cancel that, in its incarnation as dangerous ice and impassable roads.
Olivia was wonderful today, though she broke my heart when she thought her school was closed, only to realise it was Bodhi's playschool, not hers - she broke down and sobbed at how much she hated her school and thought she wouldn't have to go, only to be knocked down by the reality. She even let me hug her, it was that bad. She really does hate it. What to do?
She was great all day though, no mother-bruising tantrums, til she had to go to bed at NINE pm - then shouting screaming stamping throwing - after Axel had given her the 'just one malteser' I'd said no to, just before teeth, and then he ran around getting her her stylus for her DS so she can play it in bed at 9.45.
I swear to god... what's the point in trying?
My child psychologist friend pointed out that she's taken control. Yes, yes she has. All these fights and fusses are putting years on me. Making my heart beat faster, sending stress hormones through me, hour after hour. I'm dreading the morning, dreading the evenings, dreading the sibling squabbling in between. She hates her school, she hates her family, she hates her life and wishes I would just kill her. Her father hates the mess, the shouting, the squabbling, he shouts back, and stamps and leaves and leaves and complains and fucks off some more after buying them more sugar and undoing any of nasty mean mommy's attempts at discipline or health of whatever parents are meant to do.
I thought I would be so good at this.
I have no idea why. But now I don't have any eagerness for the fight. I don't want to play, I don't want to spend quality time, I don't want to create, and manage and discipline and strive to find some sort of consistency within my chaotic, disorganised, lazy ass self. I don't care enough, maybe? Or I'm just too selfish? I read about people saying their children saved them, gave them purpose and I feel humbled and awed. For me, having children has just brought out all the bad stuff, all the worst of my raging, emotionally crippled, irritable, broken father, and my disfunctional, hysterical mother and the curse of their deep unhappiness and frustration that I visit on my children.
I went to the supermarket today, the nice one, with €100's worth of vouchers from Axel's work that paid for 2/3's of the Christmas shop.
I bought ingredients for stuffing; bread and nuts and mushrooms and parsley, and raisins and chestnuts for red cabbage, and mascarpone and eggs tiramisu (except no one does amaretti biscuits anymore) and nice drinks for the kids, and snacks and chocolate to coat brazil nuts for my gramdmother and cherries for my godparents. A sack of potatoes for roasties and scalloped potatoes. I bought snacks and clementines and all sorts of Christmassy things, loaded the trolley in the security of knowing I didn't have to worry so much about the cost. It was good. I pretended it was all for our merry Christmas at home, though the reality is, there's not really going to be one. I still can't taste anything, aside from anything else, with this blocked nose.
I had no intention of writing this post when I sat down. Still, it can't be all 'the things children say' can it? A bit of Christmas Fear is only natural, right? Right?
10 comments:
Right. Very right. With the snow and Christmas and the whole situation - you're doing the best you can. And I'm one of these nauseating people who have found their purpose etc and I still want to flush them down the toilet sometimes and have times when everything seems shit. Just horrible. And then there are better times. Which will come for you. Like Spring. At least you have yummy food, right? And nice drinks for the kids. And you're there for them and you care enough to feel crap. Always a very good start, I reckon. Well, not saying you should feel crap obviously.
Sending a big hug your way... virtually.
I was talking to a mother in the store today. Her baby (first and only) was two and a half months old and she was so obviously in love with him and I said, "Isn't it wonderful?" and she agreed it was...most of the time.
"Oh yes," I said. "And sometimes you want to get in the car and drive away and not come back."
She nodded.
I said, "I remember that part too."
Oh Jo. It's all just impossible to live up to the standards we set for ourselves before we have children. And perhaps that friend is right- perhaps Olivia is in control and perhaps there need to be some changes.
I don't know.
But I do know that you are doing the best you can and honestly, that is all you can do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95Z7dCTsTO0
Oh Jo. Wish you were here right now, eating cookies.
Did Olivia see the Coraline DVD?
Well, I am eating cookies :) Christmas whinge n binge too :)
No, she hasn't seen it yet - if I buy it her bro will want to see it too, but her little neighbour friend hasn't been round in a while - I hope her parents aren't having, em, disagreements about custody.
I hope you're not all alone thie week, Janine, are you? Mr A will make it back for Christmas alright, won't he?
He'd better make it home! But I won't be alone for Xmas, never fear: I have backup men ;-)
Just want to give you a big hug and push those shoulders down.
There is an HNT of me where you can see the damage all that stress has done to my spine. I apologise for posting a link but I think you need to see this to fully understand the damage of a few years living with such stresses and strains
http://andeatingit2.com/2009/03/05/hnt-foetal/
I used to sleep so tightly curled in the foetal position that my shoulders were almost touching and it took daily yoga and then twice weekly massage to get rid of the dowager's hump that I was growing!
That post was the day I knew I had to make things change, couldn't keep carrying all the stress around my ears and could not keep living with a man who allowed our children to manipulate the situations to such a degree that they were the ones in control.
My daughter was in her early teens when the rows really started, I believe yours is somewhat younger. She is crying out for clear boundaries and your other half is muddying the waters just as mine did, because he wants to avoid the confrontation. And, by God, can they be confrontational. A problem which only gets worse the more they understand that it works and the more desperately they require the boundaries.
You need to get some professional help with how to deal with the situation if you are to continue to function effectively as a mother and restrict any real physical damage to your body and mind.
On a lighter note, I cant help smiling tho - the capcha word verification is showing as calmitar. If only it was possible to buy such a device.
Aha, Calmitar. Yes, I could do with one too - I'd even go see a film about calm blue people living bioethically on a beautiful world where no one ever comes to bother them :)
Please, don't apologise for posting a link, it's always good, and yes, your post is very appropriate. Your changed your photo though?
Right. Of course.
This was amazing writing. So real and true. It's okay.
It's okay.
"Snow-globe safe" is one of the best lines EVER.
Hang in there Jo.
Thinking of you.
This was so sad and so beautifully written.
I agree with J.C. You canNOT have a mate/adult in the house who is not on the same page with you re: the children. And there may be an elephant in the house, tension, unspoken anger, resentments that your kids will pick up on and get very stressed about. Keep the lines of communication open with them. It is so hard and you just need to stick to your guns. Your consistancy and limits will save them. and your love, my love!
wishing you so much love and luck.
rooting for you and the kids!!
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