Wednesday, December 7, 2011

advice, please

I live with my husband who is no longer my husband, but is. We haven't really managed our arrangement very well, carrying on with the tested and failed practice of not dealing with anything or each other.

Lots of things he does are driving me insane, just as they did when we had claim to a relationship. I now, however, no longer have the right to ask him to avoid those behaviours and it's even harder to attempt to work together in any way.

My real whinge is, that I can't get it off my chest by writing about it here any more, because I don't feel I've the right to do that either, if I ever did. Maybe I didn't. But when I say get it off my chest, I reallly mean it literally, it builds up into a pressure that makes it harder to breathe. What's the right outlet?

Oh. I should exercise. Of course. Well,. right. Thank you. 


Ms. Moon said...

Why the hell wouldn't you have the right to write about it?
You are in limbo, a sort of purgatory. I don't know how you do it.

Taty Guedes said...

you have the right to write about it, to talk about and to "nag" about it. it's still your house, as much as it's his.

morgor said...

I would disagree with you two and agree with Jo, you don't have the right to write publicly about private matters.

You could anyway, but I'm sure you wouldn't want him doing the same.

But you do have the right to argue about his behaviour if it's affecting you, although perhaps not to the same degree as you could before.
If you share a house with anyone, then you both have a responsibility to try to keep each other happy.
Also as parents you both have a duty to keep things on track.

Anonymous said...

Building upon Morgar’s comment, you have to ask yourself – what value comes from venting publicly? Does your husband read your blog and respond appropriately? My advice is to start viewing the situation through the eyes of your children. And start viewing your husband – former or otherwise – as the father of your children. So, tweak the questions above: Will venting publicly make you feel better, and subsequently help you better enjoy your day with your children? Does your husband read your blog and absorb it and make changes for the good of your children? If the answer is no – don’t waste your time telling your story so other people can feel better about what they have going on.

It appears (..and I believe a lot more goes on in the privacy of our homes than we ever reveal) that you have resigned yourself that this relationship has ended. So, unless you are still in love or believe you can salvage your marriage, ask yourself new questions: Is he a good father? Is he attentive to their needs? Does he know how they are doing at school? Do they seek him out for comfort? If the answer is yes to these questions, then nurture this rather than waste time on “behaviours”…

Our children and their happiness are our legacy: If we fail at giving them a home that is safe, kind, trustworthy, and with some laughter, we have failed entirely. We can fail at school, fail in our marriages, fail in jobs, fail in friendship – we can recover from those failures. We cannot fail in raising our children.

Find a ring. Put it on your wedding finger and “marry” your children. Commit to them – to hell with the rest!

PS: You are a good writer. Start writing letters to your kids – tell them what you cherish about them in general, that day, that week. They will love it when they get older.

laughykate said...

My advice? Work it out with him, so the need to vent becomes smaller. Call a Summit Meeting. But call it calmly, pragmatically and approach it without accusation.

Ie 'This is the situation we have chosen and we want to make this work for both of us and our children. However we have to accept we are both built differently and we react to situations differently. When you behave like X, you don't see anything wrong with it, but this is how it makes me feel, cause this is the way I am wired....'

That's what I would do, however it's very easy to give advice when you're not living the situation.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

I can't even imagine how hard your situation is... I know how frustrating it is when I want to vent about my husband and I feel like I have nowhere to go.

I have no answers but just kind thoughts sent your way.

Jo said...

Thanks, guys. The venting isn't fair. Maybe it wasn't before either, but it felt productive then. As he put it, he doesn't write songs about what he hates about me and sing them to audiences.

I totally agree about the communication, the problem is, that was the problem before - and it it didn't work THEN...