Monday, January 9, 2012

dazed and ... something...

Oh, man.

So, I  grossly underestimated how long that work would take me. I've had no life and have hardly managed to parent for the last 7 days. I feel poisoned with junk food and will be happy if I never see another cup of instant coffee in my life. I had to cancel my little Women's Christmas party on Friday. And I still had to stay up all night long and got finished at 8 am this morning. Booooooo. Boo to it all.

All to do a job nobody else will do, because they have real jobs. I'm the overqualified skivvy. I do not feel good about myself or my life right now. Not in any area. Something needs to shift this year. I'm not sure how, especially when my reaction to the thought of even doing anything about any of it makes me feel crushed, and the thought of staying like this just makes me feel crushed and all in all I'm just stuck under the enormous turnip of all the things that are wrong with me. Right now I'm just so exhausted. And am looking forward this week to:

sleeping more than six hours a night. Or no hours a night.
eating vegetables and cooking stuff.
Not smelling.
Finishing some work I should have had done 6 months ago.
Writing some stories I need to get written.
Talking with Danielle again.
Maybe seeing the friends I had to cancel and having a little laugh. I really really really need to laugh again. I miss laughing. I'm fed up with crushing misery and tears. All the time!

Now. I had 3 1/2 hours of deep sleep this afternoon, woke bolt upright up at 2.30 to realise my alarm hadn't gone off at 2 and I was meant to be leaving right then to pick up the kids. Then  we went to get Bodhi from Granny's came home, washed my horrific horrific hair and brought Olivia to art class, went to the health food shop, Supervalu, collected Olivia, Bodhi got his hand stuck in the corner of the door, horror, but no broken fingers just a horribly bruised knuckle and SCREAMING, dashed back to the health food shop to get arnica, met a lady working there who does EFT courses, hmm, interesting, went to Tesco, shopped, came home, Axl was making the kids crappy dinner, and ohhhh it's nice to just not have anything to do right now.

I want soup. Am too tired to chop, boil, stir and blend stuff. Someone come and make me soup.


Ms. Moon said...

I would. I would make you soup.

Catherine said...

I have a good feeling bout this year jo..that it has to get better, or change at least. Not easy but my new mantra is "one day at a time"..or one thing at a time..congratulate yourself for finishing that horrendous task..tomorrow make soup..massive hug ;)

Catherine said...

Shit! I didn't mean for that to sound so glib..not meant to..hope bodhi is ok ..

Jo said...

You didn't! And he's fine. Arnica made it all better, thank god. So worth carrying with you.

Baby steps is right, I know.

Mary, I made it! I ate nearly a whole bag of cheese nachos first, but it gave me the energy I needed :)

And now... why am I still up? I'm astounded I can function on so little sleep. I was astounded I could even do it, the times I did it before were way harder.

Janine Ashbless said...

Well done - you finished it! You didn't give up!

Anonymous said...

I've found that the most important element of being able to make my life change for the better is trying to still the voice in my head that says 'you're crap, you're hopeless, you're a disaster'. This sentence in your post really struck me - 'I'm just stuck under the enormous turnip of all the things that are wrong with me'. NO! Don't start off with the assumption that there are an enormous amount of things wrong with YOU. There may be lots of things in your life you want to change, including how you deal with and react to things, but there is nothing 'wrong' with you as a person, apart from the fact you are a fallible human being with faults like the rest of us.

Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect. if you are seeking perfection, you'll never get to a place where you have a fulfilling life. Look at what you do have - skills and abilities in abundance (practical, creative and intellectual), being a committed and caring mother, having a real genuine concern for society and the environment, a thoughtful friend. That's fantastic. A really strong base to try and make some changes in what is a frustrating, but transitory, situation.

Jo said...

I'm really not beating myself up for not being perfect. I'm beating myself up for being too scared and resourceless and lazy to fight the voice in the first place and for not doing all the things I could do to make it better :(

Anonymous said...

I agree with my fellow Anonymous. It is time to put a stake in the ground and make some changes. What are you scared of? What resources do you need(other than the lottery like the rest of us), and why are you feeling lazy? It's time to write a list of what you want (a realistic list) and from there, writing down what you need to do to get those things you want. 2012 is Project Jo.

Jo said...

You know what, anonymous people? I really understand your motivation to support and your frustration with my lack of initiative.

But I suddenly feel that if you know me, maybe this isn't the best place to be offering life coaching and if you don't know me then maybe it's not that appropriate anyway.

I'm sure you can imagine that I give myself pep talks all the time, like we all do.