Thursday, August 30, 2012

Bodhi's first day at school. Made frazzled and hectic by a morning that started with Olivia locking herself in the bathroom and finished with the headmistress bodily lifting her into the school :(

Axl handled the whole thing... better? worse? than I do - threatening to shred the bear she was confessing was the most important part of her life while acting out more last night. Not the right tactic, I don't think - I don't think she feels safe at all - she tells me she would die without Big Bear if something happened to him, and the next day her father threatens to rip its head off because he can't think of any other way to manage his panic and frustration.

At least the school are in on it now, finally - the headmistress said she's been gearing up to mention the Asperger's idea to me as well, so no doubt she's relieved we're on our way for assessment.

I don't really know what to say about it all. I won't say anything. I feel sorry for her, I feel sorry for myself, god knows, I feel sorry for us all and the way things have been. I wish it was different. I hope it will be.

Bodhi was fine, I think, though he didn't play with anyone yet.

The thing that's making me sad tonight though, is that my cousins, who took over the cottage in Achill my father and uncle had half shares in, are going to sell it. They're not interested in it for anything other than sentimental reasons and can't take on the responsibility. My father is encouraging them to. I'm not part of the decision, obviously, but even if I was, I wouldn't have any money to put into it, so it would be a moot point. I can't even fix my own toilet that won't flush, never mind roof and repair and maintain a cottage on the Atlantic.

I'm having remortgaging fantasies about it though. I love that place so much. My kids adore it. I'm dreading telling them it's been sold. And we can't even go there before it gets sold because it's got so mouldy it's not really livable in now.

I miss it already. When I was a kid I adored the place. I told my mother I wanted to be buried there once, and she got really annoyed with me, I never quite worked out why. I think because my brother was in the car and it was too maudlin a subject for his little ears. Or she was sickened by my melodrama, maybe, I don't know.

Oh, for an enormous lottery win right now. Oh, oh.

1 comment:

Ms. Moon said...

Too much hard stuff, Jo. Too much. I'm so sorry.