Went to get Olivia from day at friends. She started into her hate-attacks the minute we were coming up the laneway. Not even in the house yet. I couldn't face going in. Sat in the car like a fool, not being able to make myself. Freaking out Bodhi. She came and shouted and threatened because I hadn't let her in. Got back in the car to shout at me and kick the seats. I ended up slapping her (see last post on the sort of brilliant mother I am not) and let her into the house, wailing. I drove away but I've nowhere to go so I sat at end of the lane for a few minutes wondering what to do and freaking out my son some more. I wish my mother was here. I wish there was someone whose house I could go sit in and be given tea and told it was all going to be ok. Went back, had a vodka and lemonade. Made dinner his stomach wasn't up to eating. She ate cornflakes when she came back down an hour later.
Then I put Bodhi to bed and thanks to the vodka and general exhaustion, fell asleep til 10.40. If the camera was working I might have posted a picture of my pasty, red eyed, zombie visage. My teeth hurt and I've chipped a filling from grinding without my mouthguard in. Though, I think it might have improved said filling, it feels smoother... Now my vision is finally clearing enough to plan my class and write my test.
Bodhi's drawn all over the walls, which is a fairly gentle form of protest. They've been drawn all over before and hopefully this will help us give them the fresh coat of paint they're desperately in need of. He's stressed and angry though. I don't know why Olivia has got so bad recently but it's slowly doing us all in. I don't know if we'll bounce back from all this.
Luckily, support services seem surprisingly clear at the moment, and I have an assessment for her booked for mid September. The initial assessment form I filled in suggests some degree of Asberger's. It took someone else saying it to me for me to finally start the assessment process in motion - I could have done this a year, two years ago. I feel precious talking about how I feel about this - there are so many parents blogging out there who have seriously affected kids, Olivia is fine in many ways - though not in others. I feel like I'm betraying her, blogging about it before she even knows, but it's nothing to be ashamed of, I need to shake myself out of that idea before it takes hold.
Though, hey, now I'm blogging about slapping a kid on the Spectrum, so of course there is much to be ashamed of.
How do I find the inner resources that all the parents of kids with special needs seem to have? The saintliness? I always was sure I didn't have it, that I would never cope, but now I have no choice but to find it somewhere, whether I've got it or not. I have no idea how. I'm failing both of them, I'm full of dread at the thought of coming home to it at the moment, it's so relentless. Where does the strength come from that I need to find?
Then I put Bodhi to bed and thanks to the vodka and general exhaustion, fell asleep til 10.40. If the camera was working I might have posted a picture of my pasty, red eyed, zombie visage. My teeth hurt and I've chipped a filling from grinding without my mouthguard in. Though, I think it might have improved said filling, it feels smoother... Now my vision is finally clearing enough to plan my class and write my test.
Bodhi's drawn all over the walls, which is a fairly gentle form of protest. They've been drawn all over before and hopefully this will help us give them the fresh coat of paint they're desperately in need of. He's stressed and angry though. I don't know why Olivia has got so bad recently but it's slowly doing us all in. I don't know if we'll bounce back from all this.
Luckily, support services seem surprisingly clear at the moment, and I have an assessment for her booked for mid September. The initial assessment form I filled in suggests some degree of Asberger's. It took someone else saying it to me for me to finally start the assessment process in motion - I could have done this a year, two years ago. I feel precious talking about how I feel about this - there are so many parents blogging out there who have seriously affected kids, Olivia is fine in many ways - though not in others. I feel like I'm betraying her, blogging about it before she even knows, but it's nothing to be ashamed of, I need to shake myself out of that idea before it takes hold.
Though, hey, now I'm blogging about slapping a kid on the Spectrum, so of course there is much to be ashamed of.
How do I find the inner resources that all the parents of kids with special needs seem to have? The saintliness? I always was sure I didn't have it, that I would never cope, but now I have no choice but to find it somewhere, whether I've got it or not. I have no idea how. I'm failing both of them, I'm full of dread at the thought of coming home to it at the moment, it's so relentless. Where does the strength come from that I need to find?
2 comments:
you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.. hug
Things seem really tough for you right now Jo. Thinking of you. XxA
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