Saturday, August 17, 2013

on depression

Ooops. I'm having urges to post terrible whiny posts about how disheartened I am.

Because I forgot to go renew my anti depressant prescription the other day and I seem to be feeling the lack. So as it's only a chemical fuck up, I should resist. It's scary how quickly it comes back though, this feeling. There's a lot the pills don't make a difference to - my lack of motivation/laziness/energy/hope levels/procrastination etc - but there is no question they neutralise or mask the misery and tears and fatalism and negative spiralling that takes place without them. I know they won't work forever - and may just make things worse in the long run in terms of what they deplete in my brain - I have no idea what to do when they stop. Just trying a different drug doesn't appeal to me. Taking these didn't appeal to me. It still doesn't - but they work, so now I feel stuck on them and afraid of not having them.

I used to have a vision of a future where my life would come to resemble the dreams I had for it. Now I don't have dreams anymore. I've no new picture to aspire to. Just fears, really? I have no idea how to change that. I used to cut out pictures from decor magazines and envision my house. Now I have a house I don't take care of and I have no more hopes for. It's falling apart around us and we have no money or energy to make it better. I was just looking up wall decals on Etsy to suggest to someone, and they're so beautiful - I like them so much, the idea of having a beautifully painted room and one of them. But I can't imagine doing it. Even if I had the money for one, I can't imagine being able to make the room nice enough and actually put it up. And ... enjoy it. I have no picture of that being a reality for me. I don't know if I can explain this properly.

I was always someone who hoped and wished and planned, rather than did. I was more comfortable with that, the Enneagram was right. But now, I don't seem to even have that anymore. I have neither backbone or the wishbone I grew instead.

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