38

Well, here I am at 38.

I've reached a place where everything except reading and watching tv in bed, or being on line feels like homework. Living life feels like homework. And I have very little desire for it. Not cleaning, or cooking, or working, or parenting. I'm going to CBT classes to try and get myself to change that, but my hopes are not high about how well I'll manage it. That being the problem. 

Ok, I've started enjoying walking the dog, now Spring is here and he's being calmer. 

Do you see these people who go back to college at night and earn degrees and master's on top of their day jobs and parent routines? They amaze me. They're super heroes. I know lots of people who write on top of this too. I just can't imagine the drive and energy they muster to do it all. Maybe they got my share? 

Three of my friends came and celebrated with me last night - they had to help me clear the table... poor women - one baked me a delicious cake, another gave me presents from her trip to India and there was wine and chocolates and crisps... it was nice, but I felt a bit sleepy and outside it. The wine knocked me out, maybe, or the gorgeous Indian takeaway from earlier? I went to bed at midnight and crashed, couldn't even watch Hannibal, I had to save it for this morning. I stayed in bed til 2.30... 

I think I spend so much time online because it offers the possibility of discussion. 38 but I've yet to resplve this need to talk that I'm plagued by. Someone emailed me a simple polite question earlier and I wrote her three quarters of a page of unnecessary information. Last night I was in that place where I felt outside the  conversation though. Bored? I don't know. Maybe just apathetic? Disengaged? I hate that feeling. 

Oo, feck. time to make dinner. Three hours past time! See?