Saturday, August 23, 2014

I woke up cold in the night last night! Gah. Time to go buy more hot water bottles. I'm not ready for summer to be over. Sadface.

Loads of people I know are having babies. My cousin is on number two. My friend who has three and had her second stillbirth last year is due in 11 days and I'm so happy for her. My other friend who has four in a tiny house with a rescue dog and whose husband wanted two is now having a surprise number 5. I have extremely mixed feelings about this. My friend who has a profoundly autistic, paraplegic, epileptic son and two more kids is having another baby too, I recently found out. I'm a little stunned - her husband has chronic back problems and can't work, and the govt keep cutting their carers' allowance and threatening their son's special school. I can't afford my two. I don't know how they're all doing it. I hope everyone is going to be alright.

All these babies ... can you believe it makes me feel left out? I laugh at myself. I don't do pregnancy well. My hormones aren't balanced enough to deal with pregnancy and what comes after. I have no energy for parenting and sleeplessness, and what about the threat of more autism? I alienate my children and husband when pregnant, seemingly irreparably. I have no partner, no money, my parenting skills are not what I assumed they would be... no, my baby having days are long over. I wish I could make more peace with that fact.

But that's not what I was going to write about. I've just been side tracked by all sorts of weepy things on facebook...ack, I won't even share.

I dreamed and dreamed this morning, and woke up at 8.30. Part of my dream marathon included two glowing brown pheasants with blue heads walking into a group of post party goers. One began to glow iridescent blue, the colour and light spreading all over its body and wings. It was incredible. Then the other grew, and became a glowing lilac, like Chinese silk, with tiny flower patterns woven into it. It was so beautiful. It floated into the air and hovered around, ghost like and ethereal, surrounded by light and hardly real, before pausing, then floating through the wall. We were all stunned, scared, amazed.

I looked up pheasants in my weird, old fashioned dream dictionary I have not much faith in, and it said dreams of pheasants are about good fellowship among your friends. Meh, that's not very exciting. I'd prefer it meant something more fabulous about me, thank you. Still... I wish I had a video of that part of the dream. Quite amazing.

Many people have their own views on what a “Pheasant” means in a dream.  This symbol can mean anything from balance, protection and creativity.  Though some say it could mean that you have a very indecisive nature

Definition: Seeing a pheasant in your dream, symbolizes motherhood and nurturance. (me: !!)


Ms. Moon said...

Well, I've never dreamed of a pheasant. Sounds like an amazing dream. Maybe you should concentrate on the color blue and see what that means.

Jo said...

The lilac colour was the more spectacular - the blue was just like the support act. It's a colour I've always loved. I forgot to check that alright. I see lilac interpreted as 'responsibility' but that seems a bit random.