Saturday, October 4, 2014


Intellectually, I know that this is true. Stories abound, of people achieving huge things in their later life, never mind their middle age. I believe in CS Lewis' belief in people.

But...the last real goal I had was to have a house of my own. I have one, but I've failed to make it good. Last night I dreamed I had a beautiful house, the kind wealthy middle class proffesionals have, but it was so chaotic and cluttered it was just an embarrasment. Same with family, I wanted that, thought I'd be good at it... And the truth is, that I've stopped looking forward - in a positive way, at least. I've always been guilty of avoiding action in the now in favour of day-dreaming about future plans. It's a character flaw.

Recognising this, though, I think I've responded to my griefs and failures in life by losing the optimism or self belief that lets me keep re-framing dreams. I think I've stopped altogether. I've no confidence in the possibility of change, because I know that it's only me that can effect it, or that when I do try, things fall flat. I've no confidence in my own strength, or ability, or purpose. Either they're just not there, or they go awry. I'm a stagnant pool.

I'm tentatively hopeful that I might find a companionship type relationship in my fifties, where I can get the company and emotional connection I need when the pressures of sex and attractiveness are over... though maybe I'm kidding myself that that ever happens, given what I see online. But all that's just a sticking plaster for loneliness, really, isn't it?

How do I change this, I wonder? A vision board would be a start, I guess. I bought a board, but am low on the vision. I'm tired of never having any money. I'm tired of being too exhausted to do anything, ever. How do people go back to studying while also working and raising kids? Seriously, I can't even imagine. I can barely commit to cooking a batch of cupcakes. And how do people get brave? I feel like all I have is fear, exhaustion and procrastination. The war against myself is too much to overcome and start fighting the war against anything else. How do I dream a new dream? How do I write a blog post that isn't just one big whinge? Seems I've forgotten how to do that, too.


Ms. Moon said...

You are beat down, woman. You're not whinging. You're simply reporting it as it is.
Oh, Jo. I wish better for you. I wish a life where you can still have a dream or even dreams. Which are possible to attain.
I am sure it could happen. Is there any way you could get some counseling? Just having someone to listen to you could make a huge difference, I think. You need that- to be able to speak and be listened to.

Jo said...

Yes, am going on Tuesday! Mostly to vent about Asperger's and my poor daughter in the hopes that it'll make me be nicer to her...

Ms. Moon said...

Good. But do it for YOU.