I'm feeling ... down. I wish I had an uncomplicated family and we all made each other feel loved and safe and cared for. 

I got a Christmas card from my father the other day. It said, underneath the generic message, 'father's name & wife's name'. I suppose I should be glad he included me on his list. But it just made me feel rejected, I suppose. Maybe it's not intentional, that's always possible. My mother always did the Christmas cards back in the day. 

But my brother has been really thoughtless - for the last few years, he and his gf have come to us on Stephen's day, and we've had a really lovely dinner and a lovely time. It's become my Christmas, for me, that and going to my godparents' house on Christmas Eve - the day itself is a bit of a non event, for me - Axl's tired, we go to his mother's for dinner because that's what the kids want, and it's ... ok. It's just ok, mushy sprouts and not a whole lot of relaxation, somehow. She's less comfortable here, though, and the kitchen's chaos, we don't have a seperate room for a dining room, my sprouts are too hard, the food's not warm enough... it's not really worth it. 

But this year my godparents are away, and my brother and his gf have failed to communicate with me properly, made assumptions and plans around them without actually talking to me - so now they're going to my father's for lunch, and thought they'd have dinner with us, but I was never planning dinner - and they won't be up to two big Christmassy dinners in one day. So we'll eat alone and they'll wander in and visit at some point. 

I sound like one of those people who wants everything their way at Christmas. Like that woman on Awkward Family Photos who sent everyone detailed orders for Thanksgiving dinner and who's ridicule has now been immortalised on serving platters. I'm not trying to be controlling, though, I'm just disappointed. And lonely. And I find it very hard not to see myself through the condemnatory eyes of my father. And it makes me vulnerable and sad. 

I suggested going to the zoo with the kids on Christmas Eve but now Olivia is sort of backing out of it. I don't want to go if she's going to be bored and bitchy. 

I'm so annoyed at my brother, but I'm annoyed because I'm sad that I'm going to miss his company. I don't mind not getting invited to my father's over Christmas, I just hate the awkwardness of it all - he doesn't because I wouldn't go for Christmas the year my mother died and he doesn't want any more rejection - but really it's more to do with his love of bearing grudges. He learned it from my granny. 

Ach.