Friday, November 4, 2016

I thought I'd got away with not providing a small sibling for Bodhi, who is the lovingest, sweetest child and would dote on a cute baby, be a big brother to his little sister or brother in the kindest of ways. I saw him as a toddler filled with ecstatic delight at new babies and felt so guilty - it was assuaged a bit as he got older, met his friends' demon-little-siblings and said that maybe it was just as well.

But today in the shopping centre he talked about how utterly adorable kiddies' shoes were, how any foot could be so tiny amazes him and is totally adorable. I said how magical I found the tiny, untrodden button heels of his and his sister's feet were when they were small, he asked did I press them, and sighed quite a lot at having missed out on having a little sister. He agreed that it would have been good if he'd been the big brother.

In truth, things would have been so very different if it had worked that way.

So I'm torn between feeling horrible guilt at ever having had children and guilt at only having had two, and denying him a little brother or sister to love. Right at the same time.

This week is weird - I went to a gig on Wednesday that was quite intense, an intimate performance of just one woman reading and singing very personal songs, and it messed me up a bit, to be honest - and I was hoping to go for a drink/talk/food with my friend afterwards but she had to leave straight away, and she got there at the last minute, and these days I feel so paranoid about other people, and how bearable I am to be around, and if not that then I just needed the buffer of a chat about the gig to de-intensify it all a bit. But that was not to be.

 I'm not sure I get panic attacks - maybe? But maybe they're more just attacks of grieving, but ones where I'm consumed with terror about the future and my ability to tolerate it and provide for the kids, and what if I die early and how will they be looked after and what about Olivia. So...

It's been a weird week. Like PMS but after my period. Is it going to be post MS now too? Aiee.

I bought Bodhi his first pair of Docs today. It's so amazing - I'm so jealous. Adult docs are so expensive now, and my calves and ankles are fat, I just don't feel like I can do them justice anymore, and not look like... heifer dressed as mutton, maybe. I was a size five til after I had kids (that's smaller than a US size five, maybe a four?) Now I'm a six, and sometimes I miss my feet being littler. The boots I've got are a bit too big, but the five's too small and no one does half sizes. It's faintly alienating to look down at them, but they're nice, so, it's also ok. I'm just a little surprised by it.

Soon Bodhi will be fabulous - he's getting interested in music, he's getting docs, he's higher than my shoulder... I wish Olivia was the one but she never liked 'em, and with the SPD, there was never really ever any enjoying any of it. Still, Dade loves fashion, loves himself in clothes and shoes and takes great joy in it all, in his hair, he's proud of himself. It's good. He *nearly* went for the shiny red ones, but realised he wasn't ready yet. A bridge too far.


I dreamed yesterday, while I was sleeping in because I hit off instead of snooze, that everyone was telling me about their cancer. Including Danielle's butler, as he was taking pizzas out of the Aga. 'Does Danielle have a butler?' my friend asked, when I told her this. No, just in my dream.
I know the cancer thing is just because I met someone who is at stage 4 with it in England and talked to her a lot about it, but it was unsettling nonetheless.

1 comment:

Ms. Moon said...

Ah- I found some Docs at the Goodwill today but sadly, they were huge! Too big for me.
Sounds like you're going through...feelings.
Which can be the most difficult thing of all. Oh, but how fragile and worrisome all of us humans are. We do our best, don't we?