sleep

When I was a teenager, I had an extremely comfortable double bed. It had just the right combination of firm and sinky for me. I had a black sheet, a black and white duvet cover and purple pillowcases. My room was cavelike and I had a teddy bear, which added to the comfort level, really.

I had the luxury of doing the teenage sleeping thing, staying up late reading or watching tv and then sleeping through the day. Delicious. I can remember the feeling of being just awake enough to know I was asleep and enjoy it, so snuggly and warm and absolutely just right.

When I met and then moved in with my husband, we used to sleep a lot too. Not so much in the morning because I'd wake up before him and get bored and then annoy him awake, but we'd nap a lot. Incredibly indulgent middle of the day naps, it was so great to sleep beside someone. So comfortable and comforting.

Our first daughter has only just started sleeping at the age of just four. We're still not guaranteed a full night, though it's more likely and she seems to be catching up - I can't get her out of bed in the morning now, it's like waking a teenager!

But it's been four years of sleep dep hell. We made a lot of mistakes, but I also think it was just her - she came with a sleep-resistant coating. I look back on a sleep diary I kept for a while while I was trying to get her to feed less and she was still waking several times a night and causing fuss about going to bed. I developed a horrible tooth grinding habit that has really affected my teeth and cost me a lot of money. It took me a long time to notice it but basically as soon as I fall asleep I start to clench my jaw, which I also do when I'm driving, unconscious of myself.

Here's a sample:

7pm down to sleep
9.45 woke for milk and soother
10.15 bathwater woke her, had to feed her
1 am dream feed
3.10 am woke for feed
5.40 woke hungry, didn't go back, wet vest

And that was when she was 7 months old, it had been much wore! She used to sleep for maybe 40 minutes at a go.

I fell asleep after I got on the motorway with her in the car one day - I presume for a split second, I noticed as my head nodded, but Jesus!

My husband too, would go to work and put his head on the counter until a customer came in, or would sleep for five minutes at a time on the pallets in the store room. We were zombies.

Things are more normal now but I'm only 6 months pregnant - just as my daughter began to sleep in a normal way, I stopped being able to - you know the story, back pain, needing to get up to the loo, general discomfort, dreams. In the first trimester, I just had to nap and in fairness to her, she did get on with her own thing for the most part - but I just couldn't stay awake.

Yesterday I got a snooze attack again at about 4.30. I lay down in bed and just couldn't keep my eyes open - though my daughter called me to come and look at her work every three minutes, and I could feel my whole being just yearning for a proper hour of sleep, that comfortable, comforting, 'this is what I need, I'm so glad I'm asleep' sleep. And that's what got me pondering, remembering the good old days.

I have a fear that by the time my kids are big enough to let me sleep again, I'll be in that menopausal or middle aged no man's land of not being able to get enough sleep anymore! It's terrifying!

Having said that, last night I dreamed that my husband had bought me a pony for my birthday. This morning I feel incredibly touched, as if that particular little girls' dream has actually come true. That has to be a good sign, right?