birthday

My birthday approaches. Since my mother died, my birthday feels a little flat, like it's not anyone's priority anymore. There's no-one to make me a cake. It's hard to mother yourself on your own birthday. I'm not really complaining about it, since my thirtieth I'm accepting being a grown up about such things.

But I would love to go out and celebrate, have some people want to spend the evening with me, get some cards and little presents. I love presents... but it's hard to get it to work. I so don't want to spend the evening feeling like Wilhemina-No-Mates if no one can come out, and it's not like I'd even be able to drown my sorrows.

The other problem is, I don't have a group to whom I belong. No-one is at this moment thinking about my birthday and making plans, or has a mark on the calendar. So it makes the whole thing slightly embarrassing, I end up feeling like it's a charity event.

I have various options - make food on my birthday (Wed night) and entertain at home. Go out Friday - I already know one person can't come, and someone else probably not - which is awkward because then other people won't know anyone... or Saturday, which would suit the husband better come to think of it but knocks out someone else in fact even this just makes me feel it's all too hard! I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Yet I only have a few months left before I have another baby and I can't go out again for years. Literally.

My other option is to go to a spa for (hopefully, my daughter and babysitting arrangements depending) a night with my husband, which we can't quite afford but I'm longing to do - I've had the voucher for a year now - we can't quite afford his side of it, but it's not like we're going to get the chance again for a looong time - this is really what it all comes down to. And while I want to do that, I'd like the other celebrationy, sitting round a table bit too.

Yawn. Too hard, I dunno. What to do?