Saturday, May 3, 2008

Timing

There's never enough time. For years now, I've wanted to spend Christmas in the States with my cousin's family. her mother felt like the closest person to my mother left, our connection essentially that of family in a way I don't feel with my siblings or father.

We've talked about it, since my mother died, renting a house in Vermont for Christmas. I think I posted about how I felt looking at last year's Christmas photos, my aunt's glowing Christmas house. I wanted to be there so much, to feel in the middle of family, with a loving mother holding it all together.

But my husband's job was always busiest at Christmas, my daughter's granny would miss her, we never had the cash. Next year, next year, next year.

I just got a phone call from my cousin a couple hours ago, my aunt Sue somehow died in her sleep last night. My cousin is a couple months pregnant with her second child.

I left it too late. Oh god, I never sent her the photos of my kids in the blankets she made, I've been meaning to do it for a year now.
I'm so sorry. That was a little thing, I could have done it. I'm so sorry.

And I know just how my cousin is feeling, and I wish it wasn't so, I wish I could protect her from this horrible, horrible grief and make things different.

We're too young. It's too hard, to be the mother who makes the Christmas. I'm sorry, Weeshie, if you're reading, this post is about me, I know. We have to be it all now, we don't have a choice.

6 comments:

Maggot said...

Condolences Jo.

aquaasho said...

Aw Jo I am so so sorry to hear that. My condolences to you and your cousin, that is so sad. You can still spend a Christmas with your cousin and you can send her the photos of your babies in the blankets, I'm sure she'd think that was wonderful. So sorry Jo, you must be hurting. Call anytime if you'd like to talk.

Tinman 18 said...

My condolences too Jo, but don't believe you're too young to make the Christmas. Being in your own house at Christmas is all a child ever wants, so just do the best you can. I know you think you're too young to be responsible for somthing like making sure Christmas goes well, but ask yourself what age your parents were the at the first Christmas you can remember. We've managed it for years while feeling that we haven't a clue what we're doing. We all believe we're still children who have somehow been thrown into an adult situation, but I realise that my mum and dad must have felt exactly the same and we never noticed.

Keep in touch with your cousin, support her in every way you can, but don't be too scared about the future - somehow we all get through.

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

I'm sorry, Jo.

jothemama said...

Thanks, everyone, it's sweet of you. I feel removed from it at the moment - am going over at the end of the week, beinging the kids, oo-er.

It'll be nice to be round my family, and be able to help out.

His Girl Friday said...

sorry to hear the news, Jo, my condolences.

I agree with the above posters in their encouragement for you, they spoke well.