Friday, January 2, 2009

bad bad bad

Olivia had toothache last night, and once before a week or so ago.

I hadn't got round to bringing her for her first check up yet - she's 5 and a half...

She has an absessed tooth, and another small cavity needing filling.

My options are extraction under general anaesthetic in James' or IF I can get a place with the paediatric dentist quickly enough, then she can get a cap on it - it's going to cst quite a lot.

The worst thing about this is, my own part in it. I kept her sugar free til she was nearly two, but then as soon as I said she could have a bit, the flood gates opened. Her grandmother plies her with biscuits, cake and ice cream at every opportunity. Jellies and mints and all sorts of things I would never have let her have. And now that Bodhi is there too, he gets it all. 'Oh is he not allowed have that?' as she hands it to him.

Her father buys her packets of sweets at the shop, sweet drinks, jelly beans and bars after the pool.

And I'm the worst, because I've let her have all sorts this year, especially, even though I was well aware that this was what this would lead to. The other two seem oblivious.

Yesterday I found myself in the middle of the realisation that if I'd really understood the weight of the responsiblity of parenthood, I wouldn't have done it.

Axel earns the money to pay the mortgage at the moment, but the decisions and the carrying out of anything to do with health and behavior and emotion seem to lie on me. And the blame for things not working out so well.

Getting it wrong, trying to make right decisions, being the one who is responsible for their health and adjustment, when they won't eat anything, won't wear warm clothes, want nothing but sweets, have constant stomach pains, scream all the time, watch television all the time... I don't know Before I had children I think I had a vision of myself dealing with all that better, of knowing what to do, of finding good ways to deal with it, of managing it all. But the reality isn't so like that, it's just hard, and scary, and guilt ridden. Sure there's good bits too. I was shocked at my own little thought, I've never had it before. But this week, yes, if I could do it all again, I don't think I would. Not that there's any purpose to that thought. I just surprised me.

And I can't really put into words how I feel about the absess. It's pretty much a manifestation of lack of care, isn't it?


tinman18 said...

My best friend at work is obsessed with eating well. She's just found her cholesterol is 7.5. She also has to have six fillings and a crown.

So you can't blame yourself for the abcess. Nor can you blame yourself for your child liking sweets, when as you say yourself it's not just you that gives them to her.

We're all scared as parents, and we're all clueless, and none of us are able to live up to the ideals we've set ourselves in parenting. But you have to focus on the good you're doing for them too. They're growing up loved in a safe home.

Try to cheer up. Get Bodhi to fart at you again.

morgor said...

jaysus, you're being a bit harsh on yourself there.

Instead of worrying about past mistakes, fix what's wrong now.

Hopefully i'll be able to do the same :)

jothemama said...

Except fixing what's wrong involves 500 quid and root canal. If there's an appointment available. So I'm not feeling too jolly about that.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Way way way too hard on yourself.

I'm safely assuming you didn't set all this up for it to happen on purpose!

If it wasn't for the things that you do for your children, a dodgy tooth would be the least of their worries.

Holemaster said...

Jo, I was always in the dentist getting fillings and teeth pulled when I was a kid. And all kids want sweets and chocolate all the time. If the MIL is overstepping the mark on the sweets, maybe just ask her nicely to give them something sugar free? Or even better, send her the RC bill!

His Girl Friday said...

Hi Jo,

You've been way too hard on yourself of late. I'm sorry you've had a rough go of things. If we knew how hard raising children could be, we would have all been scared off.
I don't mean this as a slight to the men here, but unfortunately, the health and caring of the wee ones usually falls to us women....the all-nighters with sick children, then up all day working, etc. And, the worry, the sorting of things, the little things, holding all together for the family...we may feel like just a cog in the wheel, but we are the hub. wonder women were meant to be multi-taskers. Yet, even we have an overload switch.

From reading here, it seems that you are a caring and conscientious mother. You're doing a good job. Things such as cavities, just unfortunately do happen regardless of good teeth brushing and limiting sweets.

I eat well, limit sweets and still have dental issues. The hubby does what he likes, and has very few dental problems. Go figure.
Money comes, money goes...and goes, seems like more than it comes, sometimes.

The 'parental servitude' is well balanced, though, by all those giggles, hugs, and smiles. They do grow fast; so, just grit your teeth thru the sh*te part of it. Soon they'll be off running, and you'll be looking at your husband, maybe saying 'who are you?' or at least, 'well, what do we do now?' :)

Ps. You could always impose a sugar tax on the hubby and granny. Every time they give the children a sweet, into the jar they put the appropriate amount of coins.... ;)

jothemama said...

Holemaster, how is that meant to make me feel better!

HGF, thanks for your nice words, I wish I had a mammy!

I know about the genetic thing, I tried that one with the dentist as I had the same thing, but she was having none of it :)

If I'd just brought her for a check up in a timely fashion I would have caught it...

Your children aren't meant to start falling apart and having bits pulled off them at five!

I don't know, between herself, and Mr Bronchitis beside me here, I feel like I've been neglectful.

This is meant to be an anti biotic free house... it was up til last year...

His Girl Friday said...

I'm sorry you lost your mammy. That's something that's hard to replace. I lost my dad when I was young, and my mother and I aren't that close, so it's also been kinda hard with things sometimes.
I've made it a point to be close with my consequently, I hear, "mama...mama...mama"...often. :)

There's been a few times when I've been neglectful. My hubby dutifully brings up how I left him in pain for days because I said his pain was probably from the chili eating induced flatulence rather than the actual kidney stones he ended up passing (he'd never had them before, how was I supposed to know....ahem, er, I'm a nurse....but I'm a baby nurse, not a grown-up's nurse..... :/)

Do your best with the natural healing; it really is the best. Though I've become quicker (in my "old" age) to use the pain and cold meds from the pharmacy, at least to allow for rest and healing. As a last resort selectively use antibiotics; when used correctly, they are really a good thing. Ok, enough of me carrying on here....

Well, I'm only a "call" away if you're inclined to hear my twa pence or just want to vent... ;D

Holemaster said...

I'm rubbish at these things.

K8 the Gr8 said...

Silly question first -
Does this involve a baby tooth, or a freshly grown adult tooth? If it's the former why not just yank it out and bridge the gap with something temporary?

Second... I'm pretty sure dental problems are hereditary, it's not purely down to whether you brush after every meal or not. I think. Not sure about that one.

Third... I think it's an excellent idea to give kids sweets as young children, because when they grow up, sweets are yesterday's news and aren't so attractive anymore. (I did an in-depth vox pop about this once with my friends in relation to how many sugars they take in their tea/coffee and why) This means that when they grow up they're less likely to rot their more permanent teeth!

Just some ridiculous theories, don't mind me. I'm seriously crossing all my fingers and toes that kiddo doesn't have to go down the root canal route!!! I feel your pain, man, it's a nasty situation but NOT YOUR FAULT.

RandomNoise said...

Hola Jojo,

Dont be stressed bout being a bad mum - it's ridiculous, and anyone who reads here can tell how good at this you are.

Can't imagine what it's like to be in charge of and responsible for little uns, but they won't always be as flawless as they are to you.

knock that "antibiotic-free" shit on the head.

"Antibiotic-when-needed" please.

Thems the vital shit when needed. Other than that is voodoo.