Monday, September 6, 2010

one of those ones that should stay in Drafts

It's raining biblically. Animals two by two to be seen boarding a big fuck off wooden boat any minute. Floods are starting already, and I am so grateful I live where I do, we never seem to get them.

The darkness and wetness is wearing on me a bit, it's been something of a difficult week, hormonally, emotionally. Dark and wet is the order of the day, alright. The weepy kind of wet, not the good kind.

But I saw my homeopath briefly today, to get receipts, and she told me to take an Ignatia, the grief remedy that saved me a lot after my mother died. It stopped that crazy, out of control feeling of being unable to cope that felt like it would never end. And it's done the same again today, I'm happ(ier) to say.

deletedeletedelte. Ack. I can't say what I want to say, but I don't even know what the point in saying it would be anyway. So. Deletedeletedelete.

Do you all have people you can cry with? Someone you can go to? I was looking through my contacts in my phone last night, as I sat in a wet carpark in the gloom trying to find somewhere I could go for a couple hours. In the end I went to the sea in Greystones(and given the wind and the grey and the waves and rain, I'm not sure that it was any less pathetic than crying in a deserted car park, sadly, but what can you do?), and my friend came and met me and we sat in the car and wondered what to do about our respective lots. She gave me a hug and she was warm and soft and wooly and nice smelling but sympathy undoes me, and you can't get snot and tears all over your friends, can you? Can you? I don't know. It doesn't seem right for me to do that. We watched two teenage girls in leggings and little hoodies and nothing much more walk by, in the pouring rain and wind and dark, and remembered how it was to need to get out of the house that much that you'd rather go out unprotected into the storm than stay in. And there we were, in exactly the same place, just with cars now. Thank god for small mercies.

10 comments:

Janine Ashbless said...

*hug* Jo
You can't get snot on an internet hugger...

And god I love your descriptions, even if it's not the right time to say so. You just get the whole dark wet carpark thing across so vividly.

Jo said...

Ah, god, Janine, thank you :)

Ms. Moon said...

Yes. I know exactly what you are are saying here. I think the list of true friends includes only those whom you can snot upon if needed. Times get hard when situations arise where you cannot do that.
This was a beautifully written post.

Jo said...

It was?? I thought it was one that would get me dumped on by Anonymous.

laughykate said...

Oh Jo, dark times are so horrible. Small mercies really are SO underrated.

Annah said...

You can cry with me anyday Jo, I'm crying enough for two at the moment...

Danielle said...

ah jo..hug*..i know that carpark..been there...snot that..:-)

and..yeah..you can cry and snot on real friends...

Geek said...

so sad and beautiful.

I like crying in the woods. No thrashing seas nearby.

Hubby and Mom are the only people I will cry before when feeling general "unjustified" malaise. If I have a really good reason, then even a perfect stranger will do!

But I totally wouldn't mind having another snort and drip over my shoulder. You are allowed! Hold onto that friend of yours!!!

Thinking of you. Sending virtual tissue and hugs.

Jo said...

Thanks, Geeks :)

Sigh. Wish I had a husband. Wish I had a Mom.

Mwa said...

I'm glad you got someone to cry with there. I have a sister and sometimes a husband to cry with. (He doesn't really get it.) Gorgeous post. I wish I could come and see the sea with you. That would be a cool place to cry. We don't get that wild Irish-type sea over here, but I did once cry very well next to a small artificial lake.