Thursday, April 7, 2011

facebook

They tell you when your friends upload new profile pics. I see a face, one that was so dear to me for years, day in, day out. From the start, his friendship like a gift, light shining from him, his blond hair, his sparkling blue eyes. Laughter and sweetness and a pass to the in-crowd. No unrequited love, thank god, I just loved him. He lit my days. Gave me a small, warm happiness to hold as my own. I hated school, really, but we all had such laughter, such silliness.  Once, in the PE hall, as I stood around attempting not to excercise, I felt a sudden firm push on my shoulders, a whoosh of air around my ears, and then he appeared in front of me, landing, he'd vaulted over... me. These things, they still bring a smile to my face, half a life time later. There were such good people, and he was king.

And now... years later, he's got more thickset, less blond, and, as I've recently discovered, kept growing more bitter. That sweet sunshine didn't last so long. Maybe it never does. Maybe he made a choice.You have to protect yourself how you can, I guess. I don't know if he's happy. He doesn't give that impression. Hard to say. I look at his face now, the 16 year old one a click away, facebook nostalgia, fanciful, something to laugh at. But I loved him so, that boy, so strange to try and find him in his own face now.

8 comments:

Tatty Franey said...

just wanted to say that every single time you write from your heart (or your womb as i like to say), you touch my soul. if you wrote a book, i would read it.
also, we are so similar. so so similar, it's weird and wonderful. and to think we never met :) but we will soon!

Jo said...

But what would I write about, Tatty, this is the question! And then I'd have to sit down and commit to something and actually sustain an idea and ... sigh.

Tell you what though, I'll send you some kiddies' books when your little fella is a bit bigger :)

Craig Sorensen said...

Very well said.

Funny how much some people change, but I've also discovered there are those who can restore your faith. People who remain consistent.

For better or for worse...

Jo said...

Heh, true, Craig.

Mwa said...

What an amazing post. I have similar thoughts looking at Facebook, but never so clear.

I hate it when sunny people go bitter. It always makes me sad. And vow not to become bitter myself. Or to banish the bitter that's crept in.

Lovely post.

Jo said...

Yeah, Mwa, there was kind of a turning point, I think, when he was still young.

I think it's sad the way boys feel they have to lose their sweetness when they start to grow up. I was looking at my son and his friend embracing each other so innocently the other day (before the friend ran off to do a headstand) and wishing it wouldn't change. Having said that, affectionate bromance is alive and well between all Axl's young friendies, maybe there's hope yet :)

Bethany said...

Oh Jo, this really moved me. The writing so powerful and felt. The whole thing tugged my heart, but the last line... Wow.

Jo said...

Thank you Bethany, that's lovely.