Monday, November 21, 2011

things to come

I wrote a miserable post about grief and sadness earlier, but I took the high road and resisted posting it. It will all be better in a little while. I was right, I suppose, if I don't think about anything too hard. My father rang me - my granny is back in hospital - returned lung infection, and this time it's affected her heart enough to put her in the cardiac ward. I think she and my father thought she was dying on Friday night and had a traumatic, panicked rush to hospital. I'm sorry for him. I've been there. It's not something you want to experience.

My granny is 94. This is her first illness, but I don't like that it won't go away. My father thinks it may be the start of the slow slide towards death, now. I know something has to be - no one really wants to be 120, or anything. Well, my friend's amazing grandfather lived independently in a walk up apartment until he was 108, but that's fairly spectacular, isn't it?

Selfish as this may seem, I'm not ready for the bereavement roundabout again. The thought of it makes me quake. I also can't imagine being emotional support to my father. It's all so ... ack. I can accept her dying, at this stage, I think, I really can. It's more the grief itself I'm afraid of, other people's, my own reaction. It's like there's a pit full of it in me, and as soon as the trapdoor is opened at all it wells out like black water. This dark river rushing under the boards, all the time. 


Ms. Moon said...

Yep. Every death brings back every other and all the grief that entails. Try not to pre-grieve. As far as I can tell, it doesn't do much good anyway. As to having to be support for your father?
Only as much as you can handle.

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catherine said...

hey Jo, have been off the waves..just work and more of it !! hope your gran pulls through, its hard, illness, i,ve no words of wisdom..all we can do is be there for each other... ;)