Olivia just stumbled totally on the word 'grandad' or 'grandfather', saying she's never known what to say for that word. Because she's never known a grandad to use it on. Axl's father died long before she was born and my father and I have been essentially estranged since she was a baby.
I have a lot of guilt about this - especially when she says things like that. She doesn't even know how to SAY the word grandfather because of my failures as a daughter, my failure to resolve issues in my own life. I was terrified of not being up to the task of protecting my children from the same behaviours I'm still so scared of now, as an adult. Also the wrongness of such an unresolved relationship was balanced by the freedom from the fear and anxiety I felt dealing with him - so those things are better, but it's still such a sadness.
Right now I find it hard to imagine my children not wanting to see me, being afraid of me as adults, or even more inexplicable, me being able to cut them out of my life because they caused me too much anguish and difficulty. Even as adults, they will still be my children. But who knows? I never thought my husband would stop liking me, I never thought I'd be so lonely and leave him emotionally in the end... I was naive about that, why not this?
Scary.
I have a lot of guilt about this - especially when she says things like that. She doesn't even know how to SAY the word grandfather because of my failures as a daughter, my failure to resolve issues in my own life. I was terrified of not being up to the task of protecting my children from the same behaviours I'm still so scared of now, as an adult. Also the wrongness of such an unresolved relationship was balanced by the freedom from the fear and anxiety I felt dealing with him - so those things are better, but it's still such a sadness.
Right now I find it hard to imagine my children not wanting to see me, being afraid of me as adults, or even more inexplicable, me being able to cut them out of my life because they caused me too much anguish and difficulty. Even as adults, they will still be my children. But who knows? I never thought my husband would stop liking me, I never thought I'd be so lonely and leave him emotionally in the end... I was naive about that, why not this?
Scary.
5 comments:
We DON'T ever know, do we?
Aw, you do :)
Ok, here's the thing. It's very sad that you aren't on good terms with your father, and perhaps there are things that you could have done better with regard to him, but as far as I can tell (and I'd tend to be biased in his favour for obvious reasons) it's entirely HIS FAULT that Olivia doesn't see her grandfather.
You tried hard to make it work, for her sake. He couldn't be bothered.
It's sad, but not your fault. We can't make the world perfect for our little ones.
Sigh. I know.
Sorry am late to comment on this one, but had to write. I have a very estranged relationship with my father too, and dreaded the Grandfather word. Just before we left Australia, my Dad visited, and introduced himself as "Grandpa", and there was no way to avoid it. Milla was only 2.5 and I just hoped she would forget it/him... But months later, out of the blue, she came out with "Mum, remember your friend Grandpa who visited us?..." - She thought he was just an old man whose name was Grandpa. We still chuckle about my "friend, Grandpa".
She's lucky to have a fantastic Opa over here though..
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