please

I fear my phone at the moment. My mother in law rang me to ask for a wake up call at 11.20 last night, just after I'd fallen asleep. I woke with my heart pounding, scared of what it would be. Then she woke me with a text at 6.20am to tell me she was awake. Dear God.

I got a text this morning to say he's fighting. Keep your fingers crossed. Crossed fingers seem a paltry superstition in the face of this horror. But the light I try to pour into him is nothing more, most likely, much as I want to believe it could be.

Be strong, I thought. You're always telling me how strong you are.  Use it, survive. And I opened some random blog page that came up in a search for the thing I was looking for for class plans, and it was an ambulance blog. My eye fell on a patient on the way to hospital saying 'I know that's bullshit. Strong people die all the time.'

Of course they do.

But please. Please get well. Please find the strength from somewhere. Too many people love you. And I fear this impending grief like it's a charging tiger coming to eviscerate me. How will I contain it? Please. Heal.