Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I don't really know what to do. Olivia won't let me brush her long hair - since the last time I got all the tangles out, a backbreaking and painful experience for us both. Now she's started doing her melodramatic hysteria act when I try. Any suggestion of having to cut it and she shrieks about preferring to be dead - I'm gone before she gets up for school, her dad brushes her hair, but he just lightly darts over the top layer, hence the tangled mess underneath.

I think we're going to have to wait til it's one mass of tangle and she gets lice, then HE can shave her head and deal with the fallout.

I could wrestle her to the ground and sit on her for half an hour while trying to stop her  grabbing at it but I don't have what it takes to do that. I can feel the sick weight of it on my heart again, and I can't face that either. I wash my hands of it. Fuck it.

I should have ignored Axl and got all this diagnosed years ago. We would have had more money for treatment and we could have stopped it before it got this bad, and it all got so solidified. I'm reading a book on sensory processing and I'm really too scared to, the knowledge is alarming at this stage.

If I'd had a neurotypical child I really think I wouldn't have done so badly. I got a lot right initially. I know you don't get a choice as to whether or not you can cope with the things parenting throws at people, illness, death, disability... But the bare truth is that some of us don't have what it takes to manage. Maybe that's just an excuse, when so many manage with so much worse, but I always said that I couldn't be one of those people... and here I am, floundering about with things getting worse by the minute. 


Ms. Moon said...

There's a deep truth in not ever verbalizing what you think you can or cannot do because it may happen. I don't think you cause it to happen when you say these things, I just think you're creating a belief within yourself.
Look- you ARE dealing with this issue the best you can. That is simply all you can do.
And you will continue to do so.
I don't know how and you don't know how but you will.
I am sending love.

Jo said...

thank you, Mary x