Friday, March 14, 2014


Even wandering around cooking basic cheesy pasta for my poor, neglected son and his wee squeaky friend, I realise I haven't a fucking clue what I'm doing. Why did I stand up? What is this spoon for? Am I doing the wrong think giving in to my urge to drink a cup of coffee at 7.30?

I've said it before, I'm ill equipped to function in this world. Part of me will be relieved if Alzheimer's does set in for real, as at least it won't be my responsibility anymore. It won't be my fault. I know that's an awful thing to say. I'm not trying to call it to me, it's just, the spectre looms.

My gum is healing nicely after the battle the dentist had to remove my tooth. God. Such torture, these dental practices. My jaw has a tender, swollen lump, my TMJ is extra painful and stiff after the pressure she exerted on it, for 30 mins. It's so not up to that. Now I'm tonguing the stitches all the time, which is quite gross, really. I slept really well last night, for the first time in a while, as I had the day off today - still woke at 6.30 because the alarm went off, but then I slept like the dead again til 8.45, so maybe I should be grateful to it.

I'm still so tired. Bone weary. I just want to sleep with my face pressed against someone's chest for a hundred years or so. Does that need for skin to skin contact ever fade? It seems so cruel - each year I get older there's less likelihood of getting it. Until I have grandchildren, of course - I suppose that's why grandparents are so batshit desperate for their grandchildren's attentions. No offence, Mary, I'm thinking of my mother in law, but I have no illusions - if I'm lucky enough to have them, I'll be exactly the same. Well... hopefully not to the point of telling my daughter in law they're not HER babies, they're OUR babies, but who knows, by that stage I may be deep in the dementia and run off with them for real. Hopefully no. *Touches wood* Hmm, that paragraph got a bit scary. You should see what I deleted.


Ms. Moon said...

Why would the need for touch ever disappear?
On an unrelated note- the bill for my tooth extraction was tremendously large. My kids were talking about it, we were discussing what I could have done with that money instead. I told them that hell, I could have gone to Amsterdam but the drugs wouldn't have been as good and that quite frankly, the relief I felt from the anxiety for those two days I was drugged up was worth every penny. Getting rid of the tooth was just a damn bonus.

Lisa said...

Have someone check your B12 levels.

Jo said...

I'm sure my B12 levels are low, alright. In fact I read a whole article about it, then didn't buy any. Must do that!

Mary, my extraction just cost €90, but that's to leave me with a haglike gap in my mouth, nothing more sophisticated. You're right, there's no reason to stop needing touch... just in some cases, it gets harder to get it, the older you get. Which is a tragedy.