So my daughter is angry that I'm making a cake for her 12th birthday, when she specified that she did not want to celebrate it, and wanted it to be like any other day.
I tried to explain that her dad and I had talked about it and decided that not having a cake was just too awful, so we were going to go ahead and celebrate because we wanted to. I responded to something she said about the day she was born by telling her how important it was to me - and she said 'and then you messed it up.'
Refusing to have a birthday is really the height of (non-life harming) mother-punishment, isn't it?
Am I making a mistake having the cake? Should a 12 year old be allowed negate their own birthday? She's not (officially) eating solids still, so she feels it's horrible to have a cake she can't eat (but she is eating! She closes the door of the kitchen and munches stuff, then vehemently denies it! Agh!). I don't know. I just don't know. What the fuck to do.
I tried to explain that her dad and I had talked about it and decided that not having a cake was just too awful, so we were going to go ahead and celebrate because we wanted to. I responded to something she said about the day she was born by telling her how important it was to me - and she said 'and then you messed it up.'
Refusing to have a birthday is really the height of (non-life harming) mother-punishment, isn't it?
Am I making a mistake having the cake? Should a 12 year old be allowed negate their own birthday? She's not (officially) eating solids still, so she feels it's horrible to have a cake she can't eat (but she is eating! She closes the door of the kitchen and munches stuff, then vehemently denies it! Agh!). I don't know. I just don't know. What the fuck to do.
5 comments:
I don't know either. I wish I did. Is she in counseling or therapy of any kind?
I just read through from the first of the year to find out why your daughter isn't eating. I'm so sorry to have neglected you for so long. My daughter, Mollie, turned 12 the year that I was being treated for breast cancer. She didn't feel like celebrating either. Life just seemed too sad for her. I told her that it was okay, but the rest of us would just like some cake to make us feel better. She lightened up and let us celebrate. She's turning 23 this year and now will admit that she was just throwing a tantrum to see if anyone else cared. She really did want that cake too. The circumstances are different with your daughter, but I'm willing to bet that underneath, she really does want to know if anyone celebrates her existence.
Oh, I hope it's the same, Lisa! Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm so glad you're still here to have birthdays with her.
I just looked at your blog and saw your struggles with post-cancer treatment care, but I won't keep reading now as it won't do my blood pressure any good to see what the attitudes of the medical profession are.
Mary, she won't agree to that. She's in fear based denial and is terrified of confronting anything. Doesn't like talking to anyone, only venting angrily at me.
Well I suppose it's impossible to say what the right thing is, but I do think making a mistake in showing too much love and concern is less bad than in showing too little love and concern, so even if you're getting it wrong, it's the better kind of wrong - if you see what I mean.
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