Monday, July 13, 2015

It's been a hormonal and emotional week. It's not easy to hear people suggest in patient care for your child, and shrug kindly when you question the degree of trauma such a thing would cause them.

I wish we didn't have Autism in our family.

I know 'I wish' is no use. I am embarrassed at how often I wish things. Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be'. Mine is long in place, though.

I just wonder what we could have been without it. 'You used to be such a lovely mother', as my mother in law once said to me, after Bodhi was born and things had started getting really difficult. I wish I could be that lovely mother and be proud of both my children and not overwhelmed by fear and worry and uncertainty all the time. I wish I could go back to taking simple things for granted and having my mother's death be the worst thing that had happened in my life.

I wish I didn't find it all so hard. 


Ms. Moon said...

Well, it IS all so hard and that's all there is to it. And damn it, don't beat yourself up for wishing it was different.

Mwa said...

My sister has autism and it has always been impossible for my mother. It's just too hard to deal with.

I think wishing is allowed. All this Catholic nonsense about not being allowed to imagine happy things isn't helping anyone.

Hug. X

Lisa said...

Being a challenged mother doesn't make you less lovely.