Sunday, November 29, 2015

I wish... I wish I could better see the effects of the words that come out of my mouth before I see them. There are days when I wonder just how appallingly I appear to other humansm my family, my colleagues. My daughter and my (exish) husband hate me. My colleagues think I 'm... oh, god knows. Just how much damage I do myself because I can't shut my mouth and say nothing.

I speak before I think, and sometimes I think, and worry it's not ok, and speak anyway. I think I should start blogging more again, instead of saying things out loud in the moment so much.

The problem is, I don't really think I can self-moderate. It's too exhausting - I do analyse what I'm about to say, often, I do monitor for reactions. But it doesn't always work. I get it wrong, or I over-ride my underdeveloped sense of propriety/sensitivity/call it what you will.

Tonight as per Bodhi's request, we made dumplings with his dad. We started off with a comment about Asian mothers remembering the sweatshop nature of dumpling making sessions (I've read this before, think I've heard it from one of the Asian mums in the kids' school on the Asian night they made us all dinner).
All was ok, but at one point, Axl made a little racist joke, telling Bodhi to work harder in a fakey Asian accent. It wasn't unfunny, but it was a total Asian stereotype of the sort that's not really ok to make - and I said as much in a mock-cross voice and said he shouldn't do it in front of 'my children'. I didn't really mean it seriously, though I was also a bit surprised at the dodginess of it and didn't want to let it pass, exactly - I certainly wasn't expecting him to storm out of the room in a rage.

I went in to tell him I wasn't really serious, followed by Bodhi, and he told us both to leave him alone. He's still fuming and snippy about it. Bodhi was scared to go in and ask him to take him to bed (we're having on-going Fears at night at the moment) so I had to ask go with him (having assured him it was fine) and he was all tight lipped and snappy about it.

I'm conflicted - on one hand I recognise that I fuck up all the time and this is just another of those times when I said something I shouldn't. And that Axl clearly has All the Angry Feelings about this. And maybe I do pick at him all the time - about him buying sweets and shitty food for the kids or... I don't know. Whatever. And maybe I'm just like my father and I  tromple all over everything all the time and then get annoyed when they're upset by it. Sad face.

On the other hand, I feel like he's being a prick. And the enraged sulking is just abusive controlling bastardry.

And on another hand, it makes me wish we didn't still live together, as this is exactly the sort of shit I wish the kids didn't have to see.

I kind of hate him and hate myself and feel overwhelmed by the level of awful I feel accused of when I'm around my family.

I'm not sure there's an answer to any of this. I don't know how different I can learn to be - and counsellors I go to just try to make me work on being nicer to myself without really acknowledging the problems I have. How realistic is it to try and change one's basic personality and behaviour (though I know those are not the same), especially when bringing weird dyspraxic stuff into the mix? 


Ms. Moon said...

No idea, my love. But I do know that all of you would be much happier if your sort-of-ex and you could live in different houses.
I know. Finances.
I wish I had a magic wand.

Jo said...

Not really, Mary, I can't see my children being in any way happier. This works better for them than anything else would.

This sort of thing is unusual, in fairness. If it happened every night it would be different, and it certainly makes me wish for separate houses for *me*. But it wouldn't suit them.

Jo said...

Oh, unless of course your magic wand could produce my lottery-win fantasy of a place big enough for *Two* houses, joined by a passageway for us all to live in separately/together. And a swimming pool. Then they'd be ok, I'm sure.

Mwa said...

Hey. Just sending you a hug... I'm still in the background reading, just not able to bring myself to comment anywhere these days. x