Wednesday, May 18, 2016

I ate three meals today, for the first time in a week. Granted, those meals were an egg, a green salad, and an aubergine tomato saucey thing, but still.

So... the advantage of being sick from Tuesday to Saturday is that you don't eat. You live on coconut water and watermelon. And then your stomach has shrunk and you've no appetite left, and if you're obese it means you lose 12lbs and desperately don't want to let them go back on again even if you know that it's impossible.

But starving kinda works*, despite everything they tell you, and being a stone lighter feels really, really nice. If I could just go from here and not start eating sugar again. Or bread... it was nice to detox without trying. And now the cravings are gone.. the appetite is gone, and speaking as a person who is ruled by food longings all the time everyday at night anytime can't say no to anything, it's very freeing to lose your appetite.

It can't last - it's lack of control that's my issue, not over-control. But I'm enjoying it while it lasts. I just did the maths - when I went to WeightWatchers when I was 28, and had a goal, and had only had one baby, I got to my lowest adult weight, touching on a size 12, almost. I was 5 and half stone lighter than I am now. Scary thought. I'm almost carrying around a whole extra adult on me. No wonder I'm tired.

So for now, I'd like eating to take a back seat. Urg, I'm embarrassed by this post. I'm embarrassed by the level of body negative self hatred I've been feeling the last while. I can't even talk about it. I just need to be a shape that's more myself and less fat-suit, now. I need to carry less, there's too much to drag around with me. This is one thing I wish I could let go.

* I know, I know, short term due to illness only.


Ms. Moon said...

Well, no harm in trying to give up the bad things. The sugar, the white flour. Why not?

Elsewhere said...

Great post. Lots of recognition here.
I'm trying to take three long breaths before anything I put in my mouth.
After that, no judging or self blaming, just observe what happens.
Baby steps.