nourishment

My daughter wants hot dogs in hot dog buns and chicken burgers in pitta bread. She's just screamed abuse at me and stamped and kicked things because I didn't.

I didn't buy the chicken burgers or hot dog buns because I feel bad enough buying hot dogs and pitta breads, and letting her eat wheat when she's gluten-sensitive, and for all I know could be coeliac.

So her father's solution is to go get her hot dog buns and chicken burgers, because he thinks it's better for her to eat that than nothing.

It's not. She'd be better off getting hungry and starting to eat something that might actually feed her, not just her appetite for sugar.

But he doesn't see that. Neither does his mother. Doesn't matter what they eat, as long as they eat something. I brought Bodhi to his granny's with a fever and sore throat this morning, and the first thing she did was spoon jellly and icecream into him.

I feel outnumbered and unsupported and devoid of inspiration or efficacy. This is useless parenting. Not only am I not nourishing her, I'm actively poisoning her with sugar and wheat and horrible processed offal.

I stand in the supermarket every time, looking around at the miles of food, wondering desperately what I can make that would be good for them and they'd actually eat. I don't know what to make anymore. I don't know how to make it work, this cooking/feeding thing. I'm out.

lovely day

Myself and the kidlets had the nicest day today.

We hauled ourselves out of bed and got into town by 12.30 for Ciara's brother Chris Judge's book launch in Temple Bar.

The talented illustrator has published a colourful and warming tale of his Beast.

You can read more about The Beast on Chris's blog.

And you can buy the delightful book here.

Olivia and her friend (who is Chris's nephew) sat and deconstructed the book at length. Ciara will have great photos of the kids with the giant foam Beast, and one of her oldest son wearing it.

'You can't get out til you dance,' someone quipped, to general laughter. There was a pause.

'Really?' came the uncertain voice  from within.

Aw!

After ricecrispie buns and some happy readings of the story, we wandered through a cold Temple Bar, made warmer by the Trad Festival that's on this weekend, a stage and buskers and all the market food stalls selling various tempting things. I met my friend Laura, who brought me to the Frames at Christmas, but you don't know that because I never wrote the blogpost. She works for Airfield House and we went over to see their mobile petting farm, which included beautiful chickens and goats and wee fuzzy baby calves and a lifesize plastic cow that you can milk! (See photos in link). Bodhi had a practice and announced that he'd emptied the whole cow :)
Laura came and gave Olivia some beautifully soft unspun wool and crouched on hte cobbles (approriately on Cow's Lane) and showed her how to make a wool angel.

I met an old friend, who I was glad to see.

And I bumped into Darragh Doyle, who is ubiquitous (or omnipresent, or all-knowing, or all three of the above) and gave us the Best Tip Ever. Murphy's Icecream were giving away Free Icecreams to anyone who'd dance a jig. I thought Olivia wouldbe having none of that, but she performed there and then on the street (she's very proud of her jig!) so we hot footed it over there and the incredibly sweet and friendly Murphy's person loaded the kids up with ... free icecream. Dark chocoalte for Olivia, Raspberry Sorbet for Bodhi. They're so good there. A shining light. I love them.

Dublin was great today, just like you'd expect it to be if you weren't from there. I'm so glad we went in, I resolve to do it more. The only downside was that a few hours of parking cost ten quid, but what can you do.

When we got home, Bodhi was conked in the car, and Olivia rang her dad in work and read him the whole story over the phone. And told him all about her ice cream triumph, she was so proud :)

A good day, all in all.

imagine... IMAGINE

if you made your money from being a Simon Cowell lookalike.

I mean... just imagine.

Lookalikes, such a bizarre thing. And instant entertainment, just google lookalikes an start looking through agency books, and then imagine situations in which Simon Cowell or Chris Tarant or Dr Evil lookalikes might be hired. It's so bizarre. Celebrity is so bizarre.

hungry for more

So much of the things I think I need, I know they will just leave me craving more of them if I get them. Carbohydrates, dessert, great, communicative sex, comfort, affection. Getting to be in my warm bed.

Some people even feel like that about excercise, and ok, I suppose I know what it's like to feel antsy when I haven't had my daily quota when I'm used to it.

Right now, though, I'm defiantly resolving to make brownies. I only do it a couple times a year, if that, and today is the start of a new cycle and it's deep bone cold, and so grey the lights have needed to be on all day. So I'm overriding the voice that's shrieking about being so overweight and growing aged and polluting my children's perfection and compromising their immune systems in favour of the one that says, fuck it, you should make brownies.

It's ok, I know I won't keep making more brownies. I'll only eat them til they're gone, and I will have staunch competition.

What would be good for me that would fill me up to repletion and not leave me craving more? What would be just enough? Just right? I have no real answer to this question.

Dr Drill

Explanation of post title for newer readers

My uber amounts of dental anaesthetic are starting to wear off now. There is a burning tingle in my ... in the bit of my face below my lip on the right side that isn't my chin yet? And my tooth and the one beside it feel like they're clamped in a tightening vice.

And throbbing.

Arnica time.

Ironically it currently feels worse than the original cavity did. But I'm sure that won't last.

Things I like about going to the dentist

• Getting a free parking spot right outside and arriving two minutes early!
• He's very nice
• It's good to have a man cradle your head for a while, even if it's only in order to drill into your tooth and poke at you with sharp implements.
• the relief at no longer having a big hole in your tooth that might erupt in terrifying nerve pain at any second and a momentary respite from the 'I have crap teeth and no money to fix them' anxiety and sugar guilt
• the sweet medical dentist-surgery smell as you walk in the door
• the ceiling is wallpapered so you have something to look at
• I'm grasping at straws now

Things I don't like about going to the dentist

• I have to lie too high in the chair (which is designed for taller people) and the back support is in the wrong place so it cripples me
• Three deep injections (dental anaesthetic no longer affects me normally for some reason. So I have have to have lots, and then it takes ages to wear off. I'm trying not to drool right now, four hours later.
• I get incredibly tense and clenched
• the money it costs
• GETTING A FUCKING PARKING TICKET because I didn't see I was parked by a continuous white line (I mean, does anyone remember that sort of thing 9 years after their driving test??) when the double yellow lines were not updated after the white line was extended a few feet. So gonna appeal it. A nice lady took a photo for me on her iphone because I'd forgotten my phone. I wish I had an iphone. I would totally take pictures for other damsels in distress then.

I debated showing you my dental xray but decided that was a bridge too far, and just yukky.
Is it wrong to distract yourself from the horror of being drilled into/injected deeply by thinking dirty thoughts? What if the dentist can read minds through teeth like that James Herriot story about the barber who could read minds and his dog's mind through hairs? Is having sexual fantasies about someone exploitative of that person? Might I eventually come to associate getting fillings with sex and develop the dentist fetish I find so horrible and terrifying? Hmm.

My dentist is very good at telling me what's next. He told me something about using the big noisy drill and how there'd be a lot of vibration and I agreed, agreed, as it was the same as always, but I refrained from saying 'yep, I know the drill', even though I thought that was hysterically amusing because I thought he might not find it so, and I thought, nah, I'll save it for you people.

That's ok, no need to thank me.

Tingling and dribbling much improved, pressure improved moderately but not yet enough! Disprin may yet be in the offing.

Children's Counselling

I'm looking into getting some counselling for Olivia. Some support for her rage and misery and dissatisfaction with the world and her lot. In the hopes that she might discover some strategies to stop her wishing herself and the rest of her family dead and freaking her little brother out on every available occasion. Or that she might wear more than just one pair of raggedy jeans and get dressed in the morning like a normal person and allow her mother to hang on to the tiny shred of emotional stability she has left.

She's being nice in the afternoons at the moment because she wants something.

But mornings are still a hideous battle and struggle and make me feel like I'm carrying a piano around with more for the rest of the day.


So. I finally got info from the headmistress in the school, who looked into it in quite a lot of detail.

I rang my wonderful, intelligent, compassionate public health nurse (who I am so lucky to have access to I can't begin to be appreciative enough of that considering some of the PHN horror stories I've heard) and she said that the waiting list for the HSE child psychologist is so long that the doors may be shut for now.

However, apparently three years ago, no such role existed.

So in a way, I'm glad to see that we've progressed far enough to recognise the need for children's counselling, and that so many people are availing of it.

Still. Surely, if the need is that great, there should be an equal response.

Especially when our minister for health is happy to cut services, and then jump the sinking ship retire on two pensions and a great big fat gold flaked chocolate handshake.  

more Hyperbole

I know there was the banana incident.

But I was never as bad as this.

Another wonderful story. I love this woman.

Promising, very promising

Very Very... consistant good reviews... art work by Ciara's brother...

Pablo Piquanté

The question is now, when will I get to town... and when will I have €5.95 to spare???

scary story

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/01/wolves.html

Benny And The Wolves

how long must we wait??

We have astounding medical advances (my neighbour got a knuckle joint replacement last year! It was the first one the nurses had heard of).

We have the internet and all its applications.

We have ... haha, just asked kids for other miracles of modern science, and Olivia suggested the hair magnet so you can track down Bigfoot.

Well, you know what we have.

But there is something it's just taking too long to get. I mean, is anyone even working on it?

I was just perusing Cupcakes Take the Cake, and Olivia wished she could just reach a particular cake out of the computer. Reminding me that there are even more benefits to be had from the invention of molecular transport. Not just world wide travel and transportation (perhaps we could even create a germ filter!), but the possibility of instant shopping from any place in the world. I could make you cheesecakes and cupcakes and you could have them instantly in your home! I could... I could have a burritto!!!!




Whummmmmmmm! One burritto!


Are the boffins even working on this? And if not, why not?

I have a niggling feeling I wrote about this just the other day. But it's important, dammit!

status update

I keep going to the post office only to find huge queues. I don't know why this is, unless so many people are on the dole now they're staggering the day. Actually, I'm sure that's it.

I waited an hour in the dole office the other day, and half an hour the day before, to get an appointment for Feb 1st (after which I will wait and wait some more to be means tested, as there is one means tester for the whole area) and no satisfaction at all.
You'd think in a recession, when the dole queue is out the door, that the one place employing people would be IN THE WELFARE OFFICE. But no.

Stupid fuckbag government.

fuckbag

Why is it so hard to go back to left align after putting in a picture? Ha, could it be a political issue?

Got my car tested the other week (National Car Test/excuse for ringing money out of people). I had to get a new wheel and fix my transmission oil leak. I haven't got the wheel yet, might have to order it from the North, but I got the other thing fixed and needed new brake pads... €160 ...

Have much work to do this week... still not working very fast. Duh.

You know when you're in that zone, maybe it's just a hormonal one - you walk towards the school with your angry sad kid who doesn't want to spend breaktime alone again, and in front of the school is the headmistress with two mothers, one of whom you know. They are talking, and one embraces the other, and they share a desperate hug, while the headmistress stands by. As they break apart and one woman leaves, hand up to her face to try and press the tears away, the other woman's face crumples in grief and dismay as well.

Some tragedy has occurred or is occurring.

And I could see it coming, as I approached, and feel the misery of it welling inside me as I made my daughter go face another school day.

Nothing is safe. Everything's a trigger at times like these.

I wish I could help. Them, and my girl, and myself.

just for laughs

The teacher I correct for set this poem by Adrienne Rich as a quick unseen-poem to give a personal response to:

Trying to talk with a man



Out in this desert we are testing bombs,
that's why we came here.


Sometimes I feel an underground river
forcing its way between deformed cliffs
an acute angle of understanding
moving itself like a locus of the sun
into this condemned scenery.
What we’ve had to give up to get here –
whole LP collections, films we starred in
playing in the neighborhoods, bakery windows
full of dry, chocolate-filled Jewish cookies,
the language of love-letters, of suicide notes,
afternoons on the riverbank
pretending to be children

Coming out to this desert
we meant to change the face of
driving among dull green succulents
walking at noon in the ghost town
surrounded by a silence


that sounds like the silence of the place
except that it came with us
and is familiar
and everything we were saying until now
was an effort to blot it out –
coming out here we are up against it


Out here I feel more helpless
with you than without you
You mention the danger
and list the equipment
we talk of people caring for each other
in emergencies - laceration, thirst -
but you look at me like an emergency

Your dry heat feels like power
your eyes are stars of a different magnitude
they reflect lights that spell out: EXIT
when you get up and pace the floor


talking of the danger
as if it were not ourselves
as if we were testing anything else.

Yeah. So I'm correcting a couple hundred answers on that, teenagers' quiet sympathy on how awful divorce is. And I'm in the middle of some strange vortex of depression where I keep crying in squalls and can't seem to cope with anything. So. Good timing, with this poem.

I've things to write about but no time - have to get back to the grind. My prayers have been answered, and lots of work has come in this week, I don't know if I can fit it all in now. Along with other things that are cropping up. It will be busy. I should probably stop wishing for a nice, restful coma, in case that really comes true too.

A friend just told me of an aunt she had, who worked a big busy farm and had ten children. Always a big woman, she'd heard of a treatment you could avail of, in a Swiss clinic, where you were put in a coma for a fortnight, and you lost weight while therein.

I can see how this might have appealed.

To end on a positive note, Bodhi slept all night on Thursday night, for the first time in AGES. It was amazing! I woke up feeling like a different person. It sounds simple, but a whole unbroken night of sleep... ! Sadly I got a message at 7, 30 mins before he came in to my room, and I lost that extra half hour, but still, it was a respectable, non wee-hours time to wake up. After a whole seven hours or so of sleeping wihtout waking up. Amaaaaazing! Please can I have some more?

snerk

I just saw a Facebook ad for a company called 'Darlingwear' that provides chidlren's Communion outfits and wedding clothes (grown ups' too, in fairness).

Paha! Imagine the joy of your little pageboy when he's dressed by Darlingwear. It's like something from Just William.

Then I was even more amused to see a post announcing that you get a complementary 'Glass of Bubby' on reception! That's a golden typo - Please wear the lovely pink tie, darling, if you do the nice lady will breastfeed you!

My apologies to http://www.darlingwear.ie/ for the flippancy, but it is all advertising :)

chocolate cupcakes with chocolate malt frosting

These were made for my lovely friend Nicola, whose 21st birthday I missed, and she took these great shots of them. I wish I could show you the ones of her chocolate covered toddler too, they're classic 'child with cupcake' shots :)

I can honestly say that I am just loving those red sprinkles.

johnny nice painter

This is just genius.

found a new tumblr with cool things on it

omg omg

writing ball - how steampunk!

and you buy what they tell ya!

candle

I light this light in the dark for you

I hold you tight in the dark, I do

to guide your way as you sail  this sea

to light your path and help you see

little lights, little prayers

little whispers of hope and care for you xx

I like to light candles, when there is some reason to watch over someone. Births, illnesses, hopes, cares. A tiny little bit of magic, a dedication of warmth and light and life. Just a tiny bit of solace, if nothing more.

This candle holder was made my an old, dear friend's mother, who cares about me. It's beautiful white porcelain clay, perfect to fit in cupped hands, it's a little ethereal, really. I saw them in a group she'd made, and gasped, they were so beautiful. And later, she gave me this one as a present :)

When I was in a very sad, dark place, she called me, and talked, and  told me her own story, that she'd never shared with anyone else, and held my hand that way, and I'll always be grateful for that.

community service announcement - Gardasil

When Mary Harney announced that the new HPV vaccination wouldn't be free, there was outcry about safeguarding our daughters and price of life and so on, and lots of people blogged about how evil and careless she was. At the same time I was reading articles about its safety and warnings about it, and I thought, well, methinks it's best we're not having it forced on our pre teen children, thank you.

I just saw this from Dr Mercola on facebook, and thought I'd spread the word.

Why India Has Stopped Using Gardasil

in-the-shower Paul McKenna-style positive affirmations

click for link

I am thin

I am thin
I am rich

I am thin
I am rich
I am happy

I am thin
I am rich
I am happy
My hair is thick and full

I am thin
I am rich
I am happy
My hair is thick and full and blond

I am thin
I am rich
I am happy
My hair is thick and full and blond
I am loved

I am thin
I am rich
I am happy
My hair is thick and full and blond
I am loved
I am calm

Sigh. Don't judge.

Ah well. It's better than I hate myself and I want to die, isn't it?*

*Meant to be wry humour. I hope that's evident.

town tales

I crawled weeping exhaustion fumes from my bed this morning, to go get my wheel fixed, for the car test tomorrow.

Except, the guy told me to bring it in to have a look at it, and today the other guy said, oh no, we don't do that, it might be all right.

And then my husband's cousin, who is a wonderfully sweet panel beater said, it won't be alright, I'll see what I can do for you. And I went off on my errands, posting things, lodging things, and met Mark, who I've known for ... 19 years? and had a chat on the street while he stood there with two cups of coffee he assured me he could microwave. I don't know who the second one was for, as he was bemoaning the fact that he can't meet a woman who doesn't want children. No one understands his desire to not have children, he says, everyone sees a single 35 year old man and assumes he's gay.

Ok, I will admit, I'd wondered if he's gay. He has a Michael Stipe quality to him. And he's very sweet, and gives the best, warmest hugs of any man I've ever known. I wish we met more often. If nothing else than for the hugs.

He's thinking of emigrating. Getting away from our government and all the whining about them. And the job with the mental health services that gives him little reward or value. Canada maybe. I hope things come good for him, he's one of the good people.

Then I met the tattoo artist I've known since he was a boy as well, standing outside his pretty shop, smoking, and laughing at me eyeing the post box with suspicion. Broke the news of my unseparate separation for the second time in thirty minutes. I hate having to tell people who knew us before we were married. I feel like we're letting everyone down. Mark said he thought we were one of his success stories - not his, I mean, but the example of the marriage that could, I suppose. But no. We are not. We are a failure story.

Damon is good to talk to as he's relentlessly cynical. No need to pretend to be positive around him. Lots of the businesses in the town are in danger of closing, he says. Small town life is over, for now. It's true, the place was dead. No cars on the road. Closed signs.

I must stop worrying about word choices and comma placement and go do some more work. Tick tock.

scrubs!

I was just in the shower, and had the sudden urge to make homemade exfoliators and scrub myself with them.

Here's a site that says how - http://www.freebeautytips.org/body-scrubs.html

I'ma gonna make chocolate vanilla salt scrub, me. When I can afford the nice oil, that is. These things don't come in bulk or cheap, here, as far as I know. Anyone know?

more horoscopes

http://www.moonslipper.com/chinese.html

I hope some of this turns out to be right

The Dragon

Assertive, energetic and talented are all words to describe the Dragon personality. On the other hand, the Dragon has a tendency to be condescending and tactless without realising it. In the Chinese Zodiac, they are born under the sign of luck. They generally enjoy robust health and tend to be very successful in anything they turn their hand to.

Forecast for 2011 The Chinese Year of the Rabbit will be a more balanced and secure year than 2010 for all Dragons. They will have loved the exciting nature of the Tiger year, but now it’s time to take it down a notch or two! Many of them will have had changes in their job and the steadier tempo of 2011 will help them to settle in and possibly even go for promotions. July, September and November will give Dragons a chance to reassess what they’re doing and what direction they now want to go in. The opportunity to retrain or take night classes should be considered seriously. The foundations they now lay will greatly enhance their prospects in 2012 – their own year. Romance is beautifully starred with opportunities to meet new people all through the year but particularly during April, June, September and December. On the whole, this will be a positive and happy year for Dragons. The monetary situation will improve for most and their eye for a bargain will be particularly keen. Travel is also highlighted during the Rabbit year and time spent with friends and loved ones will be especially valued. Breaks during April and May or September will prove to be memorable. Hobbies and talents should be pursued and enjoyed as they will provide great pleasure and relaxation during 2011 and could lead to other interesting opportunities.

Interesting Dragon Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Amethyst
Special Flower: Sweet Pea
Best Hours: 7-9 am
Season: Spring
Horoscope Colors: Black, Gold


Condescending and tactless without realising it?! Who, me? Cringe*

it would be great to die together on the first day of the year

cos then we'd be quite legendary, could you volunteer