I just bought a discount carpet clean for the hideously filthy sitting room carpet. I don't go in there so much any more, but the last time I attempted to do some pilates, the smell of the carpet was too off-putting to put my face near. Years of dog and child generated unpleasantness are mushed in there, more powerful than my pathetic effforts at scrubbing or deodorisation.
I consulted with my husband and he said it would be too much work to move things out of there. There are 2 sofas, a tv, many many toys and a few piles of books/dvds. I called my MIL to discover whether she moved everything or not when she had hers done, she said no, she just got them to do the middle, more or less.
So I ordered it anyway. Idon't know if that's a good thing to do or not. We can't afford a new one right now. We need to do something about this one. I'll just deal with it somehow.
I made such a mistake in marrying someone as passive and undynamic as I am. Nothing ever got done. It still doesn't.
Hormonal anxiety is squeezing at my chest at the moment. Everything seems to have magnitude, even though I know it doesn't. This feeling of disquiet. If I get away with just this, I'll be happy. I took a remedy and started taking St John's Wort again at the beginning of the month, I've had some quite happy moments since then, calm, happy moments.
Right now I feel weird though. I'm doing a job I can't seem to get back into the swing of. If left to my own devices, I could plan classes for hours, but they still don't seem to come together very well. I can feel myself flailing, the students' lack of engagement. I used to start teaching and forget how I was feeling, these days the emotional crap sits too close to the surface, and I feel - how can I put this. The feeling of not belonging, of not engaging. I do the smiley funny energetic thing I do but it feels flat and artificial and I don't know if I'm convincing anyone. I like them, but there's a remove, like I'm acting. And not very well. I feel disconnected and ineffective. I sort of wish I'd been able to find a job that didn't matter so much, where actual people were less affected by the shoddy quality of my efforts. I'm not that good at this. I've forgotten what to do. And it stresses me. The weekends go by so fast. Anxious anxious.
Time to start correcting a many papers.
I consulted with my husband and he said it would be too much work to move things out of there. There are 2 sofas, a tv, many many toys and a few piles of books/dvds. I called my MIL to discover whether she moved everything or not when she had hers done, she said no, she just got them to do the middle, more or less.
So I ordered it anyway. Idon't know if that's a good thing to do or not. We can't afford a new one right now. We need to do something about this one. I'll just deal with it somehow.
I made such a mistake in marrying someone as passive and undynamic as I am. Nothing ever got done. It still doesn't.
Hormonal anxiety is squeezing at my chest at the moment. Everything seems to have magnitude, even though I know it doesn't. This feeling of disquiet. If I get away with just this, I'll be happy. I took a remedy and started taking St John's Wort again at the beginning of the month, I've had some quite happy moments since then, calm, happy moments.
Right now I feel weird though. I'm doing a job I can't seem to get back into the swing of. If left to my own devices, I could plan classes for hours, but they still don't seem to come together very well. I can feel myself flailing, the students' lack of engagement. I used to start teaching and forget how I was feeling, these days the emotional crap sits too close to the surface, and I feel - how can I put this. The feeling of not belonging, of not engaging. I do the smiley funny energetic thing I do but it feels flat and artificial and I don't know if I'm convincing anyone. I like them, but there's a remove, like I'm acting. And not very well. I feel disconnected and ineffective. I sort of wish I'd been able to find a job that didn't matter so much, where actual people were less affected by the shoddy quality of my efforts. I'm not that good at this. I've forgotten what to do. And it stresses me. The weekends go by so fast. Anxious anxious.
Time to start correcting a many papers.
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