Saturday, June 28, 2014

I'm starting to feel normal again

I took Bodhi to Kilruddery to play Nerfwars with his friends after the last day of school - his dad showed zero interest as he was recovering from day out with his brother and sleeping off the hangover. We got there about three hours after everyone else, but the kids were still running around. He played with a couple friends, including Shen, who is Vietnamese, and incredibly cute, and also ruthless - she was wearing a flowing pink skirt and tie-die shirt and hairscarf ensemble, and when she tucked her hair back I secretly checked to see if she had pointy ears, she's so elfin-cute. She also shoots her friends at point blank range, often in the butt, too. It was like mini-Hunger Games.

As we were leaving I spotted a text from my father from 15 mins before saying 'She is gone'. He didn't text my brother. I texted asking if I should go out to the home, and he said, no, I could if I wanted to see her but he'd left already.

I felt totally at a loss, unsure of what to do. I really wanted to be with some part of my family and share in a bit of company. He's not the best ... patriarch. I'm glad I went out there anyway, though, as Do's carer was there, with her, alone in her room in the nursing home. She was happy to see me, and said, like me, that she didn't know what to do with herself. She said that she'd decided that she'd brought her there, so she'd see her out the door as well. So we waited for the undertaker together, and talked, and it was nice. My grandmother seemed so very not quite dead, it was as if she was still breathing. I think it takes people longer to go than we think, it's important to sit with a body, they're still there. I remember the same with my mother, the sense of panic when the undertaker came too soon to take away her body. It felt all wrong, but what can you do? I have no idea how people let go their children, when they die, but I think the professionals are very good about giving them  as much time as they need.

Angela told me about her sweet and peaceful death. I took the aged patchwork cushion from her chair. Last night I was so very tired, so very exhausted - I asked my brother and his girlfriend to come over because I craved the company so much, but they got here quite late, and Olivia was chatting incessantly in her ASD way, and loudly, and my undiagnosed ASD brother was sitting beside her, also chatting loudly, and it was a bit of an onslaught. My exhausted head just couldn't quite take it. Bodhi got nauseous, and needed to get sick, so in the end I had to go tend to him. Luckily, he got better after just once puke, and Axl even came home early from his gig and looked after him - wow. I struggled to bed before 12 for the first time in a fortnight, with the body pillow I'd just bought in Lidl, and fell into a sleep after about three seconds. Nine hours!

This morning I've had coffee with cream, scrambled eggs, beans and toast, and those Pain au Chocolates you make out of a cardboard tube, you roll the chocolate sticks up into them, they were great! And a second coffee! I'm starting to feel more normal again after all that.

I'm meant to be taking Olivia to the shopping centre to buy her a black dress and shoes (and visit the comic shop) but her legs are agonisingly painful and she can't walk and she can't go and Bodhi has to stop singing, she can hear him all over the house and he does it all the time and she  can't stand it!!! etc. So, eh, yeah. Maybe not. It would be a good day to go, though, as it's pride day, and 40,000 people are heading to Dublin, and the shopping centre might be a bit less crowded. 

1 comment:

Ms. Moon said...

It sounds like you are doing it all just right. I am glad you got to sit with your grandmother for awhile.
Peace to you, dear Jo.