Saturday, October 17, 2015

There's something I'd quite like to write about because I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. But I don't really feel comfortable doing so. I might anyway, but right now I'm uncertain.

The thing is, this blog used to be read by no one, so there was a pleasure in the annonymity of just blurting things out and feeling the safety and also the exposure that comes with hitting 'publish' - more than a diary, but no one's reading. Then there were people reading, but they seemed nice, and they talked, and there was interaction and this felt like my place and it was reciprocal and mostly supportive. Even though there were sometimes nasty, irritated ill-wishers, so be it. Er, so were it?

And now, there are about 30 readers, and about three commenters - and I'm less naive and less articulate and no longer in the throes of a bad marriage or a sad breakup, I'm just a stuck, frightened person who doesn't really know which way to turn, and I don't have any hobbies or talents or entertaining words to offer.. .anymore? At the moment? One of those, I'm not sure which.

But the thing is, that safe feeling (however misplaced) is gone - Are old friends reading, disapproving, judging? Are facebook people who don't really know me reading from that time someone shared a link to my blog? Do those ill-wishers of yore still pop in to sneer? Are my kind commenters just commenting dutifully and should I feel bad about that?

These things aren't really a concern to me day to day, but when I would like to write something vulnerable, as  I want to now, they worry me. Make me feel it's better not to share. And anyway, perhaps it is better not to share. 


Ms. Moon said...

I think it boils down to this- is blog writing something that brings you peace or happiness or a sense of goodness? Does it make you happy? Does it help with your feelings?
Do you enjoy it? If you do...why stop?

Anonymous said...

Hi there, I've been reading your blog for some time now, I really like it, can't remember how I discovered it but it was completely random, I don't know you or any of your friends or acquaintances and I'm really sorry if my anonymity makes you uncomfortable. I read loads of different types of blogs,it's something I enjoy but I rarely comment as I feel a bit odd doing so, somehow it makes me feel needy, which perhaps I am and I'm afraid this will be reflected in any comments I make. Hope I'm not coming across as too much of a loser already! I totally agree with Mrs Moon's comment above but I would add, if you don't enjoy it perhaps it's time to stop? Although, please don't think I'm suggesting you do so.On the subject of loyal commenters, I think people comment because they have something to say to you, because you are friends now and care for each other. Please take care to protect yourself online, don't reveal too much if you are going to worry, fret and regret it later. I'd like you to know I will miss you if you stop blogging Blods x

Jo said...

Blods, thank you, I really appreciate your taking the time to comment. I don't feel anyone owes me comments, it's just kind of a different blogging world these days.

It's not that I don't enjoy it, more that I worry I don't have anything enjoyable to offer any more. Nor am I contemplating stopping, as this is here for me when I need it, I feel, I just wonder to what extent.

Jennifer said...

I just want you to know that when I first discovered your blog a few months ago, I was going through some really bad anxiety. I ended up reading back through months worth of your posts and for some reason (I think it was your honesty about your struggles) I found you to be a real comfort. So thank you for that!

I hope you continue to write here, if it feels right to you. I understand the doubts, but you have a LOT to offer, and you're appreciated whether you know it or not!

Take care of yourself. Hugs to you from across the pond....

Jo said...

Thank you, Jennifer, I'm so glad to hear that. Thanks so much for letting me know.

I really didn't mean to do the blogger strop, 'I'm leaving this place! I won't be back!' at all - I was just thinking of one particular subject/post, not all of it.

Mwa said...

Well, those are some lovely comments!
I just want to send you a hug for whatever it is that's keeping you worried.

Jo said...

thanks, Mwa! Not worried... just a little sad about friendship.