Sunday, January 31, 2010

ah, sure she'd buy and sell yez all, so she would

We're sitting in Eddie Rocket's in Dundrum, for once up the bright end with the glass roof. Olivia is looking up interested and amazed at it. Her dad asks her if she'd like a glass ceiling on her room. And in a kind, patient, and mildy exasperated way, she explains,

'No, because then I'd just be looking up at the boards of the attic floor...' and she smiles in a head shaking sort of way, while her dad and me look at each other and laugh with faint chagrin.

There's nothing like a clever six year old to make you feel like an idiot.
At least we have her on our side.*



*Wait! No. I'm not so sure we do... crap!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

you know it's a murder of crows?

Damn! How cool are these?


And holy crap. Bettter and better.

Friday, January 29, 2010

she wishes for superpowers

Have you noticed how men can do this thing, whereby they can place one hand on a wall and just sort of... float over it, barely seeming to put weight on that arm? Once I locked myself and the kids out, and our then neighbour Denno came over to check if the back door was locked, and launched himself over the side wall like a superhero. Olivia's mouth hung open and she said it was the bravest thing she'd ever seen.

They can catch things too. Just lazily put their hand in the air and reach for something that seems to be way out of reach and it magically attaches itself to their fingertips, like something magnetic. I used to watch Daniel in school playing basketball, and just marvel. And ha, once I was standing in the hall chatting during PE (as you do) and suddenly there was quick firm pressure on my shoulders and a sort of whirring silence over my head, and then he landed in front of me. He'd just vaulted over my head. Boys are cool.

That sort of easy athleticism will never be for me. I'd love to never drop things. To never fall over, to always catch the ball.

But it's in the realm of other magic. And if I had that...

I'd wish I had hands that could heal, that all the heat and love I have in them could have dispersed the cancer, dissolved it.

I'd wish I could soothe the things that weigh heavy on my heart. I would erase the defences of my husband, the fears, leave him bold and open.

I'd wish I could ease my daughter's anger, show her how to just let be.

And for my friend, and all the others, whose beautiful lives got tainted and twisted and filled with fear and agony, oh, if I could just shift it, alter it, turn the world one tiny fraction of a degree, and make things different. Or even just dissolve the pain that got knit into their hearts' sinews, fill the space with peace instead. With certainty, with calm. With love.

That is what I would do.

 

A thank you to google. I was looking for heart's ease, though I didn't know what they looked like. Your violas are heart's ease, Ms Moon! Isn't that nice?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

nectalicious



Myself and the kids have just had perfectly ripe, delectable, firm, juicy, sweet, fragrant nectarines. Are they my favourite? Maybe. Along with melons and red grapefruits and pineapple. And really good pears. All in a bowl. With some vanilla. Best breakfast ever. Or whisky, ideally not at breakfast time. Sigh.

But these were like the actualisation of nectarines, so I would like to thank Gaia and Marks and Spencer for the treat. Please don't say anything  about carbon footprints I know I know.

So much better than this time!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

nationwide sleeplessness




The night before last I lay down to sleep about two. And of course then Bodhi woke up and demanded milk. And then I couldn't sleep properly, and he kept waking and being unsettled, and it felt like all night long and then he was awake again early and agh! And Axel said exactly the same thing.

And last night he said that he'd been listening to Ray D'arcy the next day, and he mentioned that he hadn't been able to sleep - and loads of people texted in that they hadn't been able to either!

What do you think? Aliens? Phases of the moon? It was Monday night. Could you sleep?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

hetero-type-issues




Today a blogger I don't really know replied to a comment I'd left him with unexpectedly sweet sweetness. And it occurred to me, as I glowed a little, that I am completely undone by men being nice to me. *

It's lovely and affirming when women are nice to me too, but it doesn't make me tear up and feel quite so ... agh, I suspect, validated, as when men do it. Then it undoes me and builds me up again. Which is fairly pathetic, really, although I presume it all has to do with having had a father who was mostly undermining rather than validating, nasty rather than nice. Not all the time, and probably not with any intentional vindictiveness (...much) but ... clearly it was enough.

I must be nicer to my daughter. Lest she develop low self esteem-related loose affections in her teenagers years and becomes an ineffectual woman like her mother in later life.

*Yes, I rewrote the opening sentence, if you read it before. I knew it was badly structured when I wote it but I was lazy and left it, and then it bothered me too much to leave. See, I compulsively edit me, too. Perhaps not enough, says you. Well, ok, that's fair...

Saturday, January 23, 2010

songs from the past

Women. Sisters. Lovely.

And just thinking... I've met them both! Nice.




stasis




I'm fed up with myself.

I want to want to do stuff.

I want to want to do my work and sustain my concentration on it and get it done and feel good about achieving something.

I want to want to cook nice meals and eat them at a nicely set table.

I want to want to clean up and have things looking nice and feel good about the clear space.

I want to want to play with my kids and do stuff with them.

I want to want to move more.

I want to want to go out and have fun.


I don't know. There's plenty of stuff I do want, and I enjoy it when I get to do it, but the rest... I just, I stay stuck. I suppose it's just bad conditioning. Habit. Fear... but sheesh. It's hard to rewrite it when you're so not bothered.

Friday, January 22, 2010

note to self

Must practise exiting car in boots with grace...

what to cook

Sigh. Danielle's invited himself over... so I'd better cook something. Because, like Mwa, I've  lost my cooking mojo of late, I'll have to do a standby, of my mother's, and make her beautiful quiche. Because who doesn't like a little bit of French in them, eh? ;)

She used to make mushroom quiche, and leek quiche, and tomato quiche, among others. But I'm not such a hostess, and I  started making mushroom leek quiche, and it is gorgeous. I'm reluctant to share it, but I suppose it's just the same as any good quiche recipe. But if you make it, please raise a glass to my mother, Diane.

Ingredients

shortcrust pastry

1lb sliced mushrooms
2 tablespoons chopped scallions
1 tsp salt
1 tsp lemon juice
3 eggs
1/2 pint cream (yep. It's not low fat)
pinch nutmeg
1/8 tsp black pepper
2 tablespoons sherry

Preheat oven to Gas mark 5/375/190

Briefly cook the scallions in a heavy bottomed pan with the butter.
Stir in the thinly sliced mushrooms,salt, lemon juice andwine.
Cover pan and cook on low heat for 8 mins.
Beat the eggs and combine with the cream and seasonings.
Raise heat and boil for several mins til the liquid evaporates.
Put face over pan and breathe deep of the heavenly aroma and thank Jo for sharing.
Gradually add the cooled mushrooms to the liquid and stir.
Pour into the pastry shell (hmm, a little blind baking might not go astray) and you can sprinkle some cheese on top, but I've taken to using little chunks of cream cheese here and there.
The original recipe suggests you dot an ounce of butter in pea sized bits over the top, but really, that's just taking it too far.

Update: oops, I forgot the leeks. I just... put some in. Slice and saute a bit just before the mushrooms, I suppose.

Bake for 20-25 mins and serve warm (not hot!) or at room temperature.

I love the way the layers of thin mushrooms have just the right bite, and leeks always make everything better.

I usually do this for summer garden type parties, with green salad (avocado!), potato salad, maybe tabouli, guacamole and tortilla chips and veg...nice white wine, and if we're lucky, sunshine. Ahhhhh.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

someone has come between us

Don't feel bad. It's been coming for a while. But my affections are divided. I hope you'll love them too though, nothing has to change, there's room for all of us in here...

New Boots....

I didn't get the blue ones, but they do a spin for you with this one, so I thought I'd link to that. Pics are the same but more.

Sorry, no photos of me encased in them, the camera is still broke, and it's hard enough to get acceptable shots of the old legs as is...  maybe soon.

Lord I'm riding the pms train at the moment. I was about to do a teary husband post but then I realised, no, tis but hormones, 'twill pass, 'twill pass. See? I have the old woman wisdom inside me. And the loveliest boots. I'm actually in bed* with them on now...


* well.. more or less.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Tooth denial

The reality ship has sailed into port. Sigh. Gonna have to go get my tooth out. It had a hole in it where a filling fell out and I think decay on the other side too... and I think the nerve is dead because it should be hurting, and it just broke another big chunk off. It's alls harp and annoying,

I've had a wisdom tooth out already there, and it's going to leave a really big gap. Is my face going to cave in? Boo.

I know there's root canal, but it costs thousands in Ireland for some reason, and then there's this convincing deterrent.

Ay me.

Don't eat refined foods/sugars, people.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

traditional

I look at Bodhi in his slightly too long for him top, and his baggy jeans, and his runners with the flashing red lights. His hair falls perfectly along his jaw, shiny and light brown and almost red tinted. And his little rounded face and pointed chin and giant blue almond shaped eyes are just ... perfect. He is the cutest, coolest little two year old rock star you could imagine. When he plays he runs everywhere, elbows pumping high, when he climbs up things he does it earnestly, saying 'urf, urf, urf' in a little growly panty voice like Pooh Bear. Everywhere we go people smile at him in delight.

I pick up the tiny mini tangerine, and peel a flap, make it talk in a squeaky voice, 'Oh please don't eat me!' Enchanted, he grins wide, and replies, in an equally tiny, squeaky and amused voice, 'I'm gonna eat you!'

Going to bed, after using the bathroom, he lies on his back and and grins. 'Pee always comes out of my willie', he says.
'Well,' I say, 'it's meant to. It would be weird if it came out of anywhere else. Like out of your nose.'
His eyes go wide and distant as the image sinks in, and his mouth pops open in wonder for a long few beats, then stretches into a delighted and amused grin. 'Or out of your bellybutton,' I say, and he starts to laugh.

 Today in his granny's, he's wearing a long sleeved tshirt his dad bought him, it's coral, and the first thing granny says when she sees it, is, oh, it's lovely, is that Olivia's? And I say, no, Axel bought it, because Bodhi's a Daddy Tiger. And a little later, she looks at it, doing the nervous laugh that always precedes an insult and that I have to admit, I've kinda grown to hate, 'it's a funny colour for a boy, it's a girl's shirt, is it? For a girl?'

'Oh, Betty', I say, 'it's from Next, from the boys' section. Always such a traditionalist'. And she laughs, to her credit, but is still mightily alarmed at her long haired grandson wearing a ... pink shirt....

Monday, January 18, 2010

Friday, January 15, 2010

nostalgia




You know when you're still young... eight, nine... and you hear songs that tap into that adolescent void of feeling, of emotion that has nowhere to go. The overwhelm, the darkness, all of that stuff that swells there but you can't name it or own it yet. You know?

I had this song, it was on the same tape as Ebony and Ivory, if that helps with chronology at all.

And god, I loved it. It swept me away. Before any of the other more grown up emotional music I embraced in my teens, this one did it for Tweenie Jo. I used to listen to the album going asleep each night, and listened to this song so... fervently.

God bless Youtube, I'll say it again.

oh no!


Is this a sign I shouldn't go back?

eyes open hibernation

I didn't get up today. Well, I did a bit, but I went back to be in bed. Every cell in me is telling me I should be living in bed at the moment. Like It's a liferaft. Pack the kids in, snacks, liquids, reading material (...internet) and off we go. Disembark at your own risk.

I should have gone for a brisk walk today. To work off the cookie dough. I may yet. But instead, I sat and sat some more. Believe me, I know: I bitch and whinge self-pityingly, but I know I have no one to blame for this fat ass but myself. And my genes of course. Damn you, granny!

Yesterday I roused myself and drove into the depths of Wicklow (well... Rathdrum) to see my godmother. The mountains and fields around were snow covered, and the sun was slanting hazily down into the bowl they formed, and I couldn't gaze enough. And while there we walked through the garden looking at pheasant and deer tracks, and a cock pheasant scooted away into the woods, leaving tracks across the frozen pond. And the kids went crunchcrunchcrunch on the frozen snow, and driving home the fog fell and we drove in a misty bubble, a few feet of snowy field visible beyond the hedges on either side of the road, and lit road lights glowing red in the blue fog. It was weird, and dreamlike, and made me feel alarmingly sleepy.

Good thing: I made cookies for my godfather, who suffers in a family who eschew desserts.

Bad thing: He'd gone to Haiti, as his brother who works there is missing. No need to elaborate on the horribleness of this. Find your local charity, send something, maybe?

Good thing: Cassia's godmother, daughter of my godmother (complex, eh? Like opposite mirrors) gave Cassia Little House in the Big Woods for Christmas, so I'm hoping it will ignite her interest, because I'm SO looking forward to reading it to her. Thanks!!

Good thing: went shopping the day before and got a perfect bag, for 15 euro (heh, just wrote eiro) down from 51 and gorgeous purple Gap jumper for surprise half price. Ahhh, bargains.

Bad thing: no boots, and Axel's broken toe was painful from all the shopping... oops, kind of forgot about that. You know, in all the shop lust.

Good thing: M&S stripey tights, most comfiest best fitting tights ever. And stripey!

I had lots more goodthingsbadthings but that was yesterday and I've forgotten.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

my brother!



My brother... always a bit difficult, hyper kid, dyslexic but no one bothered to notice, young enough to get royally screwed around by my parents' seperation; we always fought, all the time, he's 5 years younger than me.

After my mother died he didn't really deal so well, smoked a LOT, all the time. Always had great friends, but had no sense of responsibility, no interest in me or the kids...

And now, in the last year and a bit, he's suddenly got his shit together. A solid job, a totally different energy, and then last summer he brought a sweet girl to Bodhi's birthday party... and presents! Well, no, he brought a present over last Christmas and actually talked and laughed with the kids while he set it up for them. So different to how he was when Olivia was small. Some months ago, he moved in with the lovely gf and they seem sweet and comfortable together. It's so great! And they babysat!!! With spectacular success... it was like a dream come true. A family member... babysitting!

So for ages everyone was all worried about him. And somewhat condemnatory. And now, well, it is all good. He's all fit, and healthy, and hansome and happy.

And I'm so happy, and proud of him. And I want a wedding!!

Well.

No. But yes. But no. You know :)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Boo, readers

It's getting a bit spamtastic in here.

What's worse, comment moderation (more work for me, less commenter interaction) or word verification (pain in the ass for you)?

Monday, January 11, 2010

why yes, I do have work to do...

Mwa's comment inspired me to search 'photoshopped animal combinations'. The bananafish is the best. It's my nemesis!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

terrifying and hilarious


miscellany

Wiggle my fingers and try to find some butterfly words for you, to warm the winter freeze and let some light in, crack the dirty grey wash of the clouds a little. A distraction, a diversion, a nothing, a something, an offering; a tiny shy, gift.

Outside, the birds in the branches flitter, and twitter and hop to and fro in the wind. I like to think that they do small talk in the weather, the same as us. The coldest winter since when, the old folk, fresh water, best feeders, oh, it's so cold, should have migrated, the Spring. But more likely it's all survival and territory, things we have forgotten, instincts lost through lack of need.

The trees are our friends though. So sad we've lost sight of that too. Even the colonials knew about the value and beauty of trees, and planted them on this land that wasn't theirs, so they stand today, long outlasting the empire. While kids in council estates swing out of them, hack them down, burn them, carve them up. Can't bear to see such evidence of life in the midst of concrete futurelessness. How sad, to grow up without a favourite tree, without the comfort and shelter of your arm around a strong bough, bark pressed against your face. A hiding place, a franchise.





And soon it will be Summer. There will be soft green grass, an oak tree, blue sky, and the sun filtering through the green canopy. And before that Spring, with the masses of tiny glowing leaves paintbrushed onto the beech trees, against the smooth silver bark.

And we'll walk, hold my hand, through dappled sunlight, under green ceilings, through storybook woodscapes, spinning tales in the warm day.





want some butterfly animation?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

nippers

Bodhi is vastly interested by the existence of his nipples.

'Look! I have nippers!'

And this morning, sharing the bed with two naked children I hear...

'Daddy tiger has Daddy tiger nippers!'

Friday, January 8, 2010

snow and feckery

We went out. It was sunny and lovely. And then I came back and got the ancient sled. Despite cracks and bits missing it's still very effective.

I love the snow.. Took lovely photos... somehow the camera screen is broken though. Out of nowhere. Why? Did I stand on it? Must have.

But despite all the lovely, my daughter who won't put on warm clothees got cold, and because she'd refused to put on gloves, her hands started to hurt. So she ran up to the door ahead of us and started screaming, and I had no sympathy. So we get in the door, she runs upstairs screaming abuse and screaming, Bodhi starts screaming too, I think because he wants to stay out...

For Fuck's Sake, people. Why?

Anyway. All is calm again, for now. So look at the lovely pictures.



Olivia found holly


End of the lane


Our road, all pretty


Aw, little gnome shadows


Aw, small gnome in sled


Oh, just some random children...

So apparently there's more to come Sunday. And no school STILL on monday.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

new year new fears...

But I'll pretend there aren't any, really.

Axel  wasn't really here, my mother in law would have been away if she hadn't cracked ribs, so no one to look after the kids - who in turn spent a massive amount of time by themselves, little soldiers... if you include the fighting, hitting and screaming.

But worst of all... ok.... the night before last I worked til 3, woke up a bit late at 8 or so... and then didn't sleep at all last night, with the aid of coffee, which miraculously kept me up. 8 am this morning was a bit of a wall though. When I'm really tired my brain starts substituting random other material for whatever I'm reading/talking about? Like, layers of subject matter on top of eachother. I'd be reading and suddenly realise I  was pretty much read-dreaming of something else. Weird.






ok, this is two photos of the one work mountain, not two piles. I just like the different perspectives.

In each paper within the paper twos,there was a Shakeaspeare question, a novel question and poetry question (choice of two) which  needed to be graded and notes made on on a separate sheet.

Paper one was easier, three comprehension questions and a short essay. About five of which were really great. But god, it was killer. Axel  did the data input for the paper twos last night, which was great of him, but he hates me for it. For that and not being able to get the work all done out of sight, while keeping things tidy and having children who don't fight and bitch and scream and wail.

I'd like that too. That's my endeavour for the year, I suppose. Along with fitting in some writing. And Excercise, of course.

And god... doing something about the evil, evil, stupid trichotillomania issue... which wasn't too bad til I was stuck in a chair working and stressing for a week, and now... ugh, god I don't even want to say :(

I'm just a one woman wrecking ball  of self destruction.

But anyhoo... yes, resolutions.

I  want to try and be normal, like all you other people :)


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Where is Jo?

Sigh, she's working. The good news is, it turns out today was Sunday, not Monday. So I've a little more room to work frantically than I thought. I might even post a photo of the towering pile of paper, just so you all believe me...

Friday, January 1, 2010

recycle

Morning. Cold, isn't it?

Danielle, why am I getting German Viagra Spam?

Here's a funny post I just found from last December.

Remember the Willy Farm?